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....1994/Delphine Software.... Genesis/Super NES Review by Polas - 4/7/02 Requested by Bender1616 |
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....1994/Delphine Software.... Genesis/Super NES Review by Polas - 4/7/02 Requested by Bender1616 |
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I'm a fairly devoted aficionado of fighting games. When Street Fighter II hit arcades, I was hooked. When Mortal Kombat invaded and was single-handedly responsible for the creation of the ESRB, I was hooked, reeled in, and tossed into the bucket for good. But even with that said, there's one fighting game that sticks out in my mind more than any. If you're a regular at this site, you'll know why. Enter Shaquille O'Neal. Already willing to lend his name to a corny rap video, a horrific movie starring him as a magic genie, and numerous other products, this game's existence should come as no surprise. Figuring his talent of beating up defenseless white guys on the NBA battlefield was justification enough for entry into a generic game created to capitalize on the then-scorching fighting genre, we were given the number one entry into the fighting game hall of shame. We were given Shaq-Fu.
It's not like the game itself was that bad, although it's not great by any stretch of the imagination. I mean sure, the characters were midgets compared to more notable fighting games (above), the moves were either ultra-simplistic or unnecessarily complex, and the gameplay was painfully slow and plodding. Plus the hit detection sucked, and energy mysteriously regenerated ... well, OK, it is pretty bad. Most importantly, the game fell flat; there was absolutely nothing to set it above every other similar game in the genre. Help was needed. That's when they came to Shaq, put him in the game, and tacked on the WORST STORY EVER. We'll get to that later, but first, what's a game without a diverse, ragtag group of fighters? If you think that they're just as generic as the rest of the non-Shaq parts of the game, you're right, but too bad, I need to build before I get to the fun part. Also, for some odd reason, the Genesis version has five more guys than the SNES one (shown in black & white). That said....
Standard 6 button fare here, although only 4 are used for punching and kicking. There's fast punch/kick and power punch/kick, as well as taunt, which does absolutely nothing outside of a finger wave of some sort, and the only decent idea of the game, the move boost button. Move boost allows you to throw when close, or create a shield by pressing it when crouched. It also launches some moves in the Genesis version, which as you might imagine, is a bitch to play without a 6-button pad. See, fighting games on the Genesis were traditionally limited to the standard three-button controller (as opposed to SNES' 6), which meant you had to press "start" in most fighting games just to switch between punches and kicks. About as fun as it sounds.
The few modes of play you get are duel, which is simple one-on-one fight using any character against the computer or human opponent, 2-player tournament, and .... story. Since Story is what comprises the bulk of this game, and also manages to be one of the most painful things I've ever played through, that's what the focus will be. In this mode, the only character you can be is Shaq. In case you forgot, or were too lazy to click on all the fighters above, here's an important excerpt from Shaq's bio:
If that isn't an indication of what's in store for you if you remain here, then I don't know what is. Oy. But contrary to initial appearances, there's more to Shaqido than awful lines and walking around in goofy Orlando Magic clown shorts. Shaq has two craptacular moves at his disposal. The Inferno kick....
...which looks all well and good, but is so slow and awkward that it almost never connects, rendering a normal power kick much more practical. And then....
...yes, they actually named that spinning grey thing the "Shaq-urikin". It's a decent enough projectile, but to activate it, you have to tap forward, back, forward, punch (move boost on Genesis). Whatever happened to good old down, forward, low punch? Anyway, the star of the game may be Shaq, but as you've seen already, perhaps to increase the challenge of Story, they made damn sure that a human-controlled Shaq will always be the suckiest character in the game. Except of course, for what he's doing on the sides of those two graphics above: his almighty victory dance, the SHAQ SHUFFLE, the single saving grace of Shaqido. I did make up the name for the Shaq Shuffle, but he really does dance in place, and does it really matter at this point anyway?
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We've learned several things from this rousing introduction. Number one, as if the whole thing weren't shameless and pathetic enough, they still managed to sneak a giant Pepsi sign next to the ancient Kung Fu dojo. Two, it's perfectly acceptable in Japan to end every other sentence with a question mark, even if it doesn't fit. And finally, we've learned that Shaq is a big dumb fucking idiot. Yes folks, he walks into the storeroom/portal at the request at the strange and presumably smelly little old man, and winds up in the 2ND WORLD.
Or if you're playing this on Super Nintendo, the 2nd World after a nuclear holocaust, as the grand total of 6 opponents left for a pretty barren and thoroughly rearranged dimension of evil.
Since the 2nd World drastically reduces you in size and transforms you into an Atari sprite while you're walking around, I've helpfully circled our hero on the above map screens. The point of Story is to travel to each landmark and defeat the opponent within. When you beat all the opponents on an island, a bridge appears to the next one. On your way, you'll learn more about the kidnapped kid and where he is. Unless, again, you're playing on SNES, which not only omits Leotsu, the boy's grandfather (who's allegedly 500 years old, leaving the old guy from the Kung Fu shop with a pretty flimsy excuse not to fight), but Nezu, the kid himself. What a stupid game.
Not to say that the Genesis version isn't equally stupid. Let's take a look at the other 3 additional characters not found in it's Nintendoian counterpart.
Auroch isn't so bad, for a mildly retarded bald demon decked out in metal and a Santa Claus jacket. It's the next two guys that worry me a bit more:
Here we have Colonel, pictured shooting up Shaq, whose superhuman Shaq strength keeps Colonel's wide variety of machine guns, homing bombs, etc. from doing anything more than taking a little off the ol' energy bar. I'm not really sure what "Bio Corp" is doing in the dimension of evil, but then I don't know why Shaq is calling Colonel a bra and getting all worked up about headgear either. Anyway, it's nothing compared to Diesel:
Now, as we all know, Shaq is the chosen warrior of destiny by decree of the senile old guy in the dilapidated dojo. So would someone please tell me why a guy, whom according to his bio is a longshoreman from the San Francisco docks, is doing bumbling around in the 2nd World? It's not like you're going back to San Fran, because he swears he would have beat you "back and the docks". This storyline is even more inconsistent than pro wrestling. I suppose every fighting game needs a knife-wielding street thug of some sort, so logic be damned.
So in a nutshell, you wander from locale to locale, fighting the 2nd World misfits until you get to the mummy in the legion of doom plastic shoulderpads. But of course, Story wouldn't be a story without crappy dialogue, so here's some of my favorite:
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I'm not even going to touch whatever Mephis is talking about, but then he's a deformed green guy who fights with a dirty blanket on his head, so go figure. There are some honorable mentions of course, such as Shaq calling Kaori "Cat woman", and then the things your opponents say to you upon defeat, such as Colonel asking if you want his autograph, and the strangely sensual Mephis telling you to "stick to hoops", proving that the 2nd World does indeed get NBA on NBC. Between this unparalleled story and dialouge, you'll be clunking through 6-11 stages of bland, repetitive fighting action:
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The only saving grace is Voodoo (the chick that isn't your girlfriend), as her moves include turning into animals, as well as whipping out a voodoo doll of your character and stabbing it. And of course, we can't forget the enthralling, nonsensical cutscenes that appear after every bridge. I say nonsensical because I don't ever remember fighting Beast's skeleton warriors, and I'm wondering how Sett is directing this whole kidnapping scheme sound asleep in his coffin:
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There's really nothing outside of including Gheorge Muresan as a hidden character that could have saved this game. Ordinarily, it would have simply joined a long list of other crappy fighting games, like Pit-Fighter, or that one where the last boss was a llama. But when Shaquille O'Neal decides to get himself involved, the shameless factor is upped 100%, and we get the tackiest, cheesiest story this side of Space Jam, that's enough to piss me off more than Kazaam! and "What's Up Doc (Can We Rock)?" combined. So somewhere on the giant rack in his giant living room, next to his many MVP trophies and Championship rings, lies a small, almost unoticeable trophy reading "Worst, Fighting Game, Ever".
