There's a mind boggling total of 5 games in this crap-fest of a videogame. How the designers managed to throw together this many games is beyond even the most brilliant of minds... until you notice that 3 'aerial' events are essentially the same and the 2 'obstacle' events ARE the same. Lazy designers and enough alcohol to kill a donkey can probably be blamed for this monstrosity, but I keep getting wrapped up in these tangents. But if it bothers you, get the hell out of here pretty boy. Oh right, the games.

The games are bad, but be thankful that you only have to play 4 of them while playing the actual game. The two obstacle courses and two of the three aerial events are all you have to slave through if you want to play the MegaSupra Ultimate Aggro Crag (I'm convinced this is Japanese for 'Mountain of Extreme Physical and Mental Pain'). I don't know why you would want to, but I don't understand foot fetishes either. Then again, 4 out of 5 is still an unbearable chore, but thanks to the modern magic of illegal substances, you can pretend you're frolicking through the hills instead of getting the metaphorical blunt trauma to the head that is Nickelodeon GUTS.

Control in the aerial events is probably what Satan uses to torment people in hell. Honestly, there's no way you'll figure this thing out on your own. First off, you hold down to build up your jump power. Release it, and you'll jump like an idiot. While you're flailing like an epileptic, you can either press B for a regular point or some wacky button combination for a bonus. On your rebound, you need to hold down again to jump back up. Miss the power and you'll fall like an idiot. It sounds simple, but things don't really work that way. Hit detection is so bad that there's about a 3% chance you'll actually hit the target. There's absolutely no indication that you're aiming in the right spot. Just wing the ball and hope you hit something. The curse of the moronic, lazy game designers strikes again!

SLAM DUNK

The name probably tips you off. You're jumping at a basketball hoop trying to make slam dunks. How's that for American ingenuity? Also, in true GUTS fashion, you're attached to a bungee cord. Why they can't just throw the kids at the hoop without restraint is beyond me. Do the world a favor and snap their ugly little necks.

SPIRALS

If you've ever watched football, hopefully you recognize the term spiral. For the uninformed, a spiral is a perfectly thrown football that gracefully spirals through the air. Quite a sight if it is thrown correctly. Spirals, sadly, only loosely follows this term. You're throwing a football, yes. Is it gracefully spiraling through the air? Hell no. Anyhow, you throw the football (or maybe it's a nerfball) into a tire with a net behind it. And now that I think about it, it probably IS a nerfball. These little bastards don't look like they can support their own heads, let alone a full football.

ATTACK

Oh joy. Another aerial event. This time, you've got a lacrosse stick that you use to throw a ball at a net. Thankfully, this is the easiest event, or at least the easiest aerial event. Just throw the ball at any old height and you'll probably hit the target. You'll definitely want to use this event to catch up on any points you might have missed out on in Slam Dunk or Spirals. I wish I had a hilarious anecdote or derogatory comment to make about this event, but I've said all I can bear of these idiotic aerial events.

These events are more akin to the classic side-scrolling games that you grew up with. Besides the crappy level design, hideous graphics, and music only fit for torture (two torture references in the same review? JJ, m’boy, you must be slipping). A side view platform hop seems like something that would be easy. Until you realize that there are at least 20 different moves you have to remember. Also, you've got a timer in one corner, and a health meter in the other. At least I'm supposing it's health. You don't die when you run out, you just run a little bit slower. You lose health from falling, running into walls while walking any faster than a brisque cantor (I wish I was making this stuff up), and getting hit with the various obstacles. I swear the designers went out of their way to make this game bad. There isn’t any other explanation.

Walk/Run: You must be the biggest idiot in the world with absolutely no videogame experience if you can’t figure out that left and right moves your sorry ass left and right.

Climb: Up and down moves the aforementioned ass of sorry-ness up and down ropes and poles. Okay, let me get this straight. These kids aren’t strong enough to throw a normal football, but they can climb a rope 10 times their height? And repeatedly, too? I hate Viacom.

Pansy Scamper Jump: Pressing Y makes you little idiot jump like, well, and idiot. If you’re running fast enough, you’ll skip like an even bigger idiot. (Fun Factoid of the Day: I used idiot 8 times so far including that one).

Pretty-Boy Flip: The magnificent X Button will make your character do a flip through the air, clearing a lot more distance than you did with the pansy scamper jump. As you can imagine, this jump is a lot more useful. Especially on those annoying pole-to-platform jumps. Also, if you’re quick, you can press the opposite directional button to make your character pivot in the air. Pointless in all aspects except the novelty.

Both the A and B Buttons are suspiciously absent from your move lineup. Imagine, the two most conveniently placed buttons do nothing in the obstacle events. Honestly, what the hell were you thinking, Viacom?

In addition to these glorius moves, you've got a couple items you can snag for added 'benefits'.

You can recover your health by snagging health icons or by standing still and recovering your breath. Don't bother unless you're going for a new personal record, or something equally as stupid.

There's also stopwatches for you to grab, but don't bother because you'll probably lose more time than you gain going for them.

If you can find it, this little beauty will take you to a bonus level where you get to flail like a moron trying to knock balls off of walls. Do good, and you can have an extra 100 points! Joy!

I’m not going to go through the hassle of outlining the first two Obstacle events in-depth (Basic Training and Tornado Run) because I’m only a sadomasochist when I’m getting paid for it. This game is Grade C Certifiable Crap, and believe me when I say that. JJ is not a crook. ...Liar. I meant liar. Shut up and keep reading before I start face stomping.

BASIC TRAINING

As you can likely imagine, Basic Training is your typical warm up with one exception. The jumps are frustratingly impossible. If you didn’t know that the X Button made your happy arse do a Pretty-Boy Flip, you’d be stuck near the beginning of the level for an excruciating 6 minutes while your time ran out. Or you could just turn the game off. Either option is acceptable. If you're still adamant about continuing in your fool quest to win your piece of the Aggro Crag and a place in history as the biggest idiot in the world, just press X and flip over those poorly placed jumps.

In addition to stupid jumps, there's a couple more obstacles, and thankfully these are just a tad bit more tangible. First off, you've got the swinging GUTS bags. Get whacked, a lose a bit of time in recovery. If you ask me, though, don't bother avoiding them. A couple seconds only equates to a couple points (how's that for modern scoring systems?). The other obstacle you might run across is the water jets. Employ the same strategy as you did for the GUTS bags. Run through them with no regard to safety.

Had enough of this foolish event? Me too.

TORNADO RUN

This is just like Basic Training, only harder and longer (sorry, couldn't resist the Polas plug). Thankfully, however, the game creators used up all their insane jump ideas in the first level so you get to see a rehash of them now. If you made them easily the first time, they should be cake the second time through. If you can manage to play this game more than once, you might even improve! How does that sound? Exciting? Riveting? Didn't think so.

AGGRO CRAG

If you've managed to make at least 700 points by now (and you haven't killed yourself yet), the Aggro Crag should be a breeze. It's just like the past two Obstacle level with a couple notable differences. For one, you actually have objectives beyond 'Reach the End in 7 minutes'. You have to stomp on these little indicator things. You don't walk on them, no sirree. You have to jump in the air and stomp on them. Just another nail in the coffin, I suppose. Another difference is that if you miss a jump near the top of the mountain of crap, you'll potentially fall all the way to bottom, forcing you to work your way back up to the top. Double joy.

Also, if you've never watched GUTS on Nickelodeon (and count yourself lucky if you haven't), make sure you hit every single indicator or it's back to the bottom for you. I would love to see some guys face when he realized he missed the very first indicator and has to go all the way back down to get it. I'm just mean like that.

Fun fun fun, wouldn't you agree? Beat the Aggro Crag without running out of time, and you can claim your rightful prize.

A goddamned rock. Somehow, it seems fitting. I hope I never have to play this game again. Ever ever. Ever ever ever. Ever. Again. ever ever ever...

What’d you think of JJ’s review? Let Polas know!

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