.The Legend Of Zelda. 1986/Nintendo Review by Polas - 6/30/01 Requested by coolguy

First of all, as if you didn't know already, this game is a straight-up classic that spawned one of the best, if not the best, series of games ever. For 1986, this stuff was groundbreaking. But if you know me, that certainly won't stop me from cynically pointing out the many humorous and confounding oddities The Legend Of Zelda possesses. Let's begin!

Our tale begins in the woods of Hyrule, when an old bag is attacked by spear chuckin' Moblins. A chubby little elf boy is strolling by, and vanquishes the beasts with his trusty sword, which is later stolen by an old man, who gives it back to you when you enter his cave at the start of the game. Anyway, the hag's name is Impa, and she gives elf boy, later renamed "Link", a huge sob story about Ganon, evil pig extroadinare, kidnapping Zelda and nabbing the Triforce of Power. Of course, with the advent of the later Zelda games, there are so many plotholes and descrepancies over the order in which the games took place, that we have no idea how the hell he got it back after losing it the first time, but this is 1986 Nintendo; storylines aren't our strong point. Anyway, rather than locking it up in the castle or perhaps swallowing it whole, Zelda somehow manages to break the Triforce of Wisdom into 8 pieces before getting kidnapped, then brilliantly hides them in 8 dungeons that are guarded by Ganon's minions. So the long and short of it is that Link, who merely tried to do a good deed for an old woman, gets saddled with this damned quest to assemble the Triforce of Wisdom, so you can get past another old man that guards Ganon's hideout for some reason, all thanks to the stupidity of Princess Zelda. And there you have it ... oh, you don't believe me? Well I'll just let you see the exact story text, quoted from the game itself, and you can judge for yourself:

"Many years ago Prince Darkness "Gannon" stole one of the Triforce with power. Princess Zelda had one of the Triforce with Wisdom. She divided it into "8" units to hide it from "Gannon" before she was captured. Go find the "8" units Link to save her."

I suppose you're right. I couldn't have said it any better myself.

LINK: The poor kid that gets stuck with saving Zelda and assembling the Triforce. Link was never known for having much of a personality; more like the strong silent type, which is why the ladies swooned for him in later games. But in this one, the only gals you'll find in Hyrule are old hags that are more shriveled than Impa. Poor kid...

ZELDA: The dumb broad that caused this whole mess. Kidnapped by Ganon, you don't get to gaze upon her ravishing 8-bit beauty until the very end of the game.

GAN(N)ON: My Uncle referred to him as "Pistachio Man" when I first played this game around Age 4. I can see why, but it still doesn't excuse him. Anyway, the "Great King Of Evil" from Ocarina of Time, which takes place long before this game time-wise, takes a demotion to "Prince (of) Darkness". He has the Triforce of Power, as well as the ability to turn his chunky green ass invisible while bombarding you with fireballs.

OLD MAN: Quote: "Eastmost peninsula is the secret." The Old Man hid in caves and dungeons ready to dispel nonsensical gibberish advice to Link at any given time. Either that, or if you used the candle to burn a bush to find the entrance to his house, he'd steal all your rupees for the "door repair". Sometimes he actually made himself useful and upgraded your bombs (for a price), and in the second quest, he would mug you in dungeons. "Life or money", indeed. Also, if you nailed him with a weapon, his two pet flames would open fire on you.

OLD HAG: Quote: "Buy Medicine before you go." This old crank won't even give you the time of day unless you bring her a blue letter from her decrepit old lover that hides in a cave somewhere in really, really northern Hyrule. Then she sells you medicine that restores your life. That's about it.

MERCHANT: Quote: "Buy somethin', will ya!" These fellows are found in caves across Hyrule, and even though they have no reservations about charging Link 60 rupees for a candle, they seem to really idoize him, because when you get a ring and change the color of Link's tunic, the tunics of all the Merchants in the game inexplicably turn that color as well. Also, some of these guys have hidden shops behind statues or in bushes. That's where you buy the Blue Ring and a Magic Shield for almost half price, and cheaper meat for the "Grumble, Grumble" Goriya.

THE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GORIYA: Quote: "Grumble, Grumble." Unlike the friendly Moblins that hide in bushes and give you free money, this bastard occupies a handful of dungeons and grumbles at you, not allowing you to pass. I'd really like to know why Link doesn't just pull out his magic wand and set fire to the heads of these old men and Goriyas that block your path, but what do I know. Give him the almost-otherwise useless enemy bait to shut him the hell up.

SWORDS: From left to right, Wooden, White, and Magical. Your main weapon. Shoot shiny sword projectiles at enemies when your hearts are full. Gain the upgrades when you reach 5 and 12 hearts respectively, from old men that live in mountains and under gravestones. They double your strength each time.

SHIELDS: Come in the standard and magical variety. Although I don't see what's so magical about the Magic Shield, unless by "magical" they mean "bigger". With it, you'll be able to deflect Zola (Yes, it was "Zola" back then, as opposed to Zora) fire and not have Wizzrobes beat the crap out of you. Just stay the hell away from Like-Likes.

BOOMERANGS: Again two varieties, one made of wood, one made of magical blue stuff. Just like the mysterious color-coordinated Merchants, the boomerangs that the Goriyas chuck at you correspond to the one you have. In fact, you get both boomerangs by finding a bunch of Goriyas in early dungeons and kicking their asses. Anyway, the boomerang is the best weapon to assign to the B button, because it stuns enemies and grabs far away stuff. That's it. No joke. It really does.

BOMB: Blow up walls, rocks, and the like to find new/hidden areas. In this game, tapping walls with your sword won't let you find weak walls, mainly because you don't have the ability to tap your sword against walls. Oh, and an Old Man tells you that Dodongo dislikes smoke. Remember that.

BOW & ARROW/SILVER ARROW: The ultimate ripoff. Find the Bow in Level 1, but don't think you'll be shooting off any arrows, oh no. You have to find a Merchant in the Overworld and buy the ability to fire arrows, and on top of that, you don't collect/buy arrows after that; you just lose 1 rupee every time you fire. The only really important time to have it is against Gohma, and maybe the Pol's Voices. Oh, and the silver variety are the only thing that can finish off the big green piggy.

CANDLE: OK, I know that there are some annoying items in the game, but the Blue Candle is by far the worst. You can only use it ONCE PER SCREEN. That's all well and good to light up dark dungeon rooms, but if you're looking for secrets by burning bushes, you're going to be going between screens quite a bit. You don't get the Red Candle until Level 7, which you can use as often as you like. But if you use my "Level 8/Make Game Easy" strategy, the Red Candle is essentially useless. Bah.

RECORDER: Soon to be known as the Flute and then the Ocarina, back here it was a humble elementary school instrument. Blowing on it created a whirlwind that took you to the entrance of a dungeon you've already been to, and experience has taught me it'll take around 15-20 tries to get to the one you want. Oh, blowing it also weakens Digdogger and turns him into one or several mini-doggers. As a side note, the Recorder appears in Super Mario Bros. 3 (as the Whistle). One toot took you to a warp zone when you blew it, and it even played the same annoying tune.

FOOD: AKA Enemy Bait. Supposed to attract lesser enemies, but pretty damn useless except when it comes to old Grumbly. The only reason I always have one is so my subscreen doesn't look naked.

MEDICINE: This is what I was talking about before with the whole letter business. If you find the old bats, they sell you the (blue) medicine for 40 rupees, and the "2nd" (red) variety for 68 (turns blue when you use it). I of course never need the medicine, but if you're going somewhere that has lots of Darknuts and/or a Gleeok, you may wanna take some along.

MAGIC WAND: All right, the game calls it the Magical Rod, but uh, that name's already taken, if you know what I mean. Basically a long-distance weapon that lets you fire Wizzrobe blasts; not neccesary to finish the game, but not too bad. When you get the Magic Book, the blasts burst into flames when they hit something, which is actually astoundingly useful. Go figure.

CLOCK: Link will start convulsing and flashing pretty colors, making him impervious to to pain and causing all the enemies on the screen to freeze. I hereby decree the Clock to be the best item ever, at least until my next review, as I wonder why it didn't appear in any other Zelda games.

NON "B" ITEMS: These are all items that will help you get through the game in various ways, but you can't actually equip and use them, therefore they don't get their own little profile. Them's the brakes. And yes, I realize the clock is not a B item, technically. But would you not give it a profile? All right then. Rupees are obviously used to buy stuff, orange= 1, blue= 5. The raft lets you cross wide bodies of water to find old men with heart containers and a dungeon or two. As mentioned, the Book lets you shoot fire from your Rod ... heh. The blue ring cuts damage by 1/4, red by half (though you don't get it until the last level), and both have the amazing ability of changing the Merchant's clothes colors. Fuck it, that beats the Clock right there. The ladder lets you cross narrow bodies of water, as well as the "blood" in the dungeons. You'd think the Power Braclet would let you lift things, but no, all it really does it let you create warps by pushing rocks around. I think it lets you find a dungeon in the second quest though, but I forget, 'cause the second quest can be a pain in the ass. Not to say I haven't beaten the second quest, because I of course have. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what the keys do. HOWEVER, there is a way to negate your need to either find or purchase keys for 100 freaking rupees for basically the entire game. It's pretty simple actually, but your gaming skills have to be on my level ... well, let's be realistic; at least in that ballpark. I present the Polas "Level 8/Make Game Easy" strategy:

OK, to pull this off, all you really need is the Bow from level 1, a Candle to open the dungeon entrance, and a few bombs. Use the handy map I stuck somewhere in the Gameplay section to find Level 8. Now, while the purpose of this little expedition is to snag the Magic Key, the Book is SO right there that there's no reason not to pick it up as well. From the entrance (big red "E" w/ arrow), go left. Fight the Manhandla, either with your sword if you're confident, or bombs if you have them. Go left, kill all the enemies here, push the left block, enter the stairwell, the Book is yours. Now it gets a bit tricky.

Return to the entrance. Go up, ignore the Manhandla, and bomb up into the room I've clearly marked as the ROOM OF DEATH. Why? An assload of Blue Darknuts. And yes, all must be defeated. If you somehow manage to kill all of them, the top and left doors will open. Go left, kill all the enemies in this room (cakewalk compared to the Darknuts), and grab the key that's left behind. The Blue Darknuts should also have left you a key, leaving you with 2. Go back into the now-empty room of death, and go up. And I mean keep going up. Bomb, open locked doors, whatever; just ignore all enemies and make your way up. If you avoid death, you'll end up facing a Gohma. 3 arrows to the open eye toasts it. Enter the now-open door to the right, kill all the enemies in the room, and push the left block to enter a stairwell to claim your MAGIC KEY. You will not need to find another key for the entire game. Now get the hell out of this place before the remaining enemies realize you're not supposed to be there yet. This can be done at any time before beating the other 7 dungeons, but the sooner you get the Magic Key, the sooner you'll cruise through the dungeons a LOT quicker.

Play is divided into two main areas: in the Overworld, you wander aimlessly looking for dungeons and killing enemies and taking their money and valuables. You can also find Heart Containers, Old Men, and Old Men that give you Heart Containers. Then there's the Underworld, where the Triforce fragments and wonderous treasures of the deep are hidden, maps and compasses help you find your way, and you get the evil underworld music. A wields the sword, B disperses your item of choice. However, the two most important things to remember, two things that would prevail in many Zelda games to come, are as follows: 1) Whenever you get hit, Link makes a really annoying "plorp" sound. 2) When you lose all of your hearts save one, the game keeps beeping at you until you find a fucking fairy, or grab yourself some hearts laying around. Do not let this happen under any circumstances, or you will go insane.

Although the Levels go in order, you can beat several of them out of order if you so choose and have the skill. Many people who play this for the first time at my insistance ask "hey, Polas; where's Level (x) located?" I usually tell them to shut the fuck up while I'm listening to Karnov music. But for anyone else who has this problem, I've created a helpful color-coded map to the dungeons, helpfully complimented with an abundance of fruity colors. The red "X" is the starting point, while the numbers and their colors correspond to their respective dungeons:

Damned if I'm doing one for the Second Quest, too. Oh, by now, you may be wondering what the hell this "2nd Quest" is. Well, beat the game once, and you'll go on it. Or, if you're a cheating bastard, enter your name as "Zelda" on the "Register Your Name" screen. The overworld is mostly the same, but the dungeons (most) have been relocated and are much harder, you gain the power to walk through certain walls, and red bubbles appear to take away your sword permanently, as opposed to the flashing ones that take it away for a little while. There are blue ones that give it back, but eh, still a pain in the ass.

After traversing through Hyrule, finding 8 Triforce pieces, mass murdering all kinds of screwy enemies, and listening to the ramblings of countless old men, you'll arrive at Level 9, and be privleged to hear the SPOOKY LAST LEVEL MUSIC OF DOOM. Then find Gan(n)on and kick his ass. The end.

OVERWORLD

OCTOROK: The most common enemy. Spits rocks at you. The blue variety take one more hit with the wooden sword, so find a white one and all Octoroks will instantly become pussies. Both shields deflect their crappy rock attack.

TEKTITE: Uppity spider, may be a distant relative of Gohma. They hop around and annoy the hell out of you, especially the orange ones, who really seem to have something up their asses. One hit kills each.

PEEHAT: I'm not even going to begin speculating how they got their name. They spin around aimlessly, and can only be attacked when stationary. Take several hits with weaker swords. Just say the hell with it and avoid them.

LEEVER: Actually came about when the Japanese wanted to mock America by having little red and blue Uncle Sam hats be bad guys in the game. They hide underground and come up to attack you. The blues can take some damage.

ZOLA: Not renamed "Zora" until Zelda III. Pops up in the water and spits fireballs at you. Huge pain in the ass without the Magical Shield and White Sword, especially on screens crowded with other enemies.

MOBLIN: Walks around the forest trying to look bad, and throws spears/arrows at you. Green ones can take a lot of damage, but orange ones can mess you up just as much early on. Good source of bombs.

LIONEL: The baddest enemy in Overworld Hyrule. Can fire a sword up your ass that'll take you out in one or two hits unless you're careful, or have a decent ring and a decent number of hearts. Usually stick to Death Mountain, better known as the upper left portion of the map.

GHINI: These guys belonged to a Hyrulian street gang while still alive, as evidenced when you walk into the Graveyard. You'll find one per screen, but if you go around grave-groping, a bunch more will come out and jump your white elfin ass. Only the original takes damage, but kill him and the others run and leave items. Typical.

UNDERWORLD

LIKE-LIKE: I hate Like-Likes. They take a few good hits, and if they touch you, you get eaten. While they're slobbering all over you, they also manage to snag your Magical Shield. Beat the hell out of them quickly.

BUBBLE: Another annoying SOB. IF he slams into you (and he WILL slam into you), you lose the ability to swing your sword for a short time. Pictured above is the Red Bubble from the 2nd quest, who takes your sword away permanently until you smack into a blue bubble. I hate bubbles.

WIZZROBE: If there's any enemy I hate more than the previous two, it's these guys. Both orange and blue can take their share of damage. Orange ones appear, shoot a magic blast at you, fade, and repeat. But the blue ones, they warp around the room, including through blocks and rivers, and constantly fire on your ass. Only the Magical Shield can deflect their spells, which do some serious damage.

DARKNUT: If there's ANY enemy ... OK, maybe they're not as bad as the Wizzrobes. The thing about Darknuts in that they're only vulnerable from the back or side, and they can spin around on a whim while you're trying to sneak up, then stab your ass and do some heavy damage. Groups of blue ones are nasty. Had the good sense to change his name to "Ironknuckle" by the second game to avoid further ridicule.

TRAP: Stay in corners, usually 4 or 6 per room, and close in on Link when he tries to run by. Indestructama-ble.

WALL MASTER: A giant hand that comes out of the walls attempting to grab Link (no comment). If you are grabbed, you will be taken to the dungeon entrance sometime between the time you throw your controller and the time you recover it. Usually 4 per room in the rooms they dwell in. On the plus side, they usually leave good items when you kill them.

POL'S VOICE: Evil jumping severed bunny head. The timimg of their jumps can throw you off. Arrows work best, but if you want to conserve rupees, a sword and caution will be enough. I still want to know who or what Pol was.

ZOL: The fat loser of the group, he often cries in the corner while being mocked by Wizzrobes and Darknuts. All he does is blubber around. Really. If you only have the Wooden sword, he splits into two ink blots. Other than that, not much to speak of.

PATRA: Ganon's favorite enemy, he's the only guy that's saved until Level 9, and he falls somewhere between a tough enemy and sub boss. Then again, so do Lanmola and Moldorm, but they weren't included because they take up to much space for this section, and are ugly. Anyhow, Patra has lots of little yellow Patras that circle around him, and all must be destroyed before you can inflict damage on the big blue guy. Takes lots of life away if he traps you in a corner with his spinning shield, but not too bad other than that.

GORIYA: When he doesn't get hungry and go around grumbling, he chucks boomerangs at you. In Level 2, if you kill one, all the rest in the room will almost always disappear. Don't ask me why that is. Find a room with several orange ones in Level 1, and several blue ones in Level 2. You will get boomerangs for kicking their asses and not dying.

STALFOS: Just kind of bumbles about flailing his swords. However, in the second quest. he learns how to fire swords at you a la Lionel. That scared the hell out of me the first time.

KEESE: Annoying little things that fly around randomly and die in one hit from anything. Their bigger brother, Vire, splits into two red ones when hit with anything other than the Magical Sword. There are usually a lot per room, so take them out quickly with some well-timed boomerang shots.

GIDBO: The mummy that chases you around and takes lots of hits. While fire annihilated it in later games, not this time. Just another one of those guys that bumbles around, but it does take a bit of damage before going under.

BOSSES

AQUAMENTUS: The "Zol" of the group. He shoots off fireballs in groups of three, and stays, basically, in one place. Stab him in the neck about 6 times (or throw swords if your hearts are full), or bomb him twice to put him on ice. If you can't beat Aquamentus, you're better off hanging out with the Old Man and playing Money-Making Game all day.

DODONGO: He dislikes smoke. Therefore, cram a bomb in his mouth, then while he's stunned, slap another one on his back while stabbing him repeatedly with the sword. In retrospect, this guy sucks more than Aquamentus. However, in later levels, you sometimes get 3 per room. As long as you don't run out of bombs, you'll be fine.

MANHANDLA: You can slice off his hands one by one, or take them all out at once with a well-placed bomb. However, if you miss with the bomb and only get 1 or 2 limbs, not only do you look like an idiot, but Manhandla will move faster and beat your inaccurate ass down. So get explodin'!

GLEEOK: Stationary like Aquamentus, but much bigger pain in the Peehat. Has 2 to 4 heads, and you must lop all of them off to kill him. But every head you chop off then turns red and flies around the room spitting fireballs at you. Timing is everything, and so is not pausing to curse at the flying heads that shoot you just as you're about to make a hit.

DIGDOGGER: Just make sure you have the Recorder. Toot on it, and Diggy splits into one or three little Digdoggers. From there, nail them with the sword, or if they're too quick for your inferior game skills, shoot arrows around aimlesly until they die.

GOHMA: Out of all the bosses to make 64-bit, I still don't know why they went with this piece of spider-crab shit. Shoots the perennial fireballs, moves side to side, and opens his eye periodically so you can shoot an arrow at it. Gohma isn't the brightest bulb.

GAN(N)ON: Since he already got a shot in the Characters section, pictured above is Ganon after I WHUPPED HIS GREEN ASS. He turns invisible and shoots fireballs at you, and even if you hack away at where they're coming from, you'll still likely catch air. Therefore, your best strategy is to swing wildly till you hit him, then keep slashing until he turns red. One silver arrow later and he's mush. Go up, slash the fires with your Magical sword, and Zelda is now yours to do with what you will.

Yes, this is one of the most important video games in history. It was the foundation for a "legendary" series of games, most of which are agreed upon by many to be the best of their respective systems. However, not even The Legend Of Zelda can escape the "pre-1990 NES curse of extreme wackiness and bad translation". And that's why I love it even more.

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