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1991/Rare Review by FalconPain - 7/10/04 |
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1991/Rare Review by FalconPain - 7/10/04 |
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What happens when a mediocre publisher and a decent developer work together? Something average.
That may have been my worst opening paragraph yet. Still, it's hard to call the Wizards and Warriors series anything but average. It's still better than par for Acclaim, a publisher famous for bringing UTTER CRAP to the US. I suspect it's because they didn't need to localize it much, seeing as how the game was developed by Rare, one of the more famous and popular non-Japanese overseas game companies around.
The first game in the series was straightforward and easily mocked. Ironsword, the second game in the series, was straightforward and pretty popular. So Rare apparently thought the best thing to do was to make a completely different game design using the same framework. Did it succeed? Some people think so. I am one of them. But that doesn't mean the game made much sense.
If there's one thing Acclaim could botch, it would be the instruction manual. I'm not going to quote it, as there are far better things to quote later on. But, to summarize, a city finds some diamonds and grows corrupt overnight, despite no evil force affecting any of them. And then the main protagonist and antagonist of the Wizards and Warriors series show up and things get worse.
According to Ironsword, Kuros, the well-armored hero of the first two games and a Game Boy game (which is irrelevant to the plotline, since it has the letter X in the title), had just succeeded in shooting magic bolts at miniature versions of the four Aristotlean elementals. This forced them to combine into the giant head of Malkil, our villainous wizard, who then turned into a skull and exploded for no good reason.
But the story doesn't end there. Well, not anymore. Malkil, now the world's goofiest looking undead spirit, gets his revenge! He spits at Kuros and knocks off his helmet! What a fiend!
Fortunately, Malkil's actions finally give us a reasonable depiction of Kuros' head underneath his everpresent helmet. It turns out that he has short black hair and a beard. This is far better than previous theories, which included a big gray mass with googly eyes, a brunette version of He-Man, and Fabio.
Despite winning that skirmish, Malkil's ghost runs off. He heads to a random peaceful town called Piedup and usurps the crown from noted Bible revisionist King James by spitting at him and knocking it off. This somehow allows him to form a corporeal body which is, in fact, more suited to sit on a throne than King James ever was. And people said that having the power to forcibly remove headwear would get Malkil nowhere.
Kuros, who may or may not have lost his memory, but who definitely lost his equipment, heads in that direction. Along the way, he runs into knife-wielding goblins who can be taken out in a single punch without any effort. (Notice how the goblin jumps. We will revisit this later). This quickly allows him to claim a new sword (and, presumably, helmet) and thus fit the series status quo by the time the game begins.
The objective is simple. Go to the castle and beat up Malkil. It may sound like the same plot as the rest of the series, but this is where similarities to the previous games end. Mostly.
To quote the manual, "The only way to fight magic is with magic." Thank you, Uncle. Kuros was doing just fine in those first two games without that advice.
Still, this is a sequel and sequels need gimmicks. So Rare was nice enough to allow Kuros to take on three forms in his quest. If being a knight is too boring, he can instantly become a thief or magician and use their abilities (and background music). Actually, that's not quite right. You are required to use their abilities to get anywhere in this game.
Unfortunately, this class system caused another gimmick to arise in the game. A class system!
Piedup consists of three areas. There's a castle up top with some nice towers and ramparts and elegant furnishings. Below that is the main town, which for some reason (probably platformer design) consists entirely of houses on stilts. And then there are some underground caves that are color coordinated. It's all very nonlinear, which is a first for this series.
The problem arises when you consider that the people in the castle don't want thieves and magicians around. And that the monsters in the caves don't like people with blades in their vicinity. And that... okay, that makes no sense. Why can the thief walk around town while other classes get attacked on sight? Is there a reason why the vicious guard dogs are trained to attack anyone who is NOT going to rob them?
It gets worse. If you're playing the character who happens to fit in, none of the enemies will attack you, with a few exceptions. So, basically, you have a choice. Either have every single thing on your screen attack you and knock you off platforms at every turn, or FIGHT LESS THAN TWENTY ENEMIES DURING THE ENTIRE COURSE OF THE GAME.
* Knight - He has better weapons than in most previous games. He starts with a short sword, eventually upgrades to a long sword, then to a massive axe that somehow manages to be both throwable and boomerangy in nature. He eventually ends up with the strongest weapon in the game, a compensation-length sword that shoots fireballs. Sadly, he is incapable of swinging his sword without pressing the attack button and THEN a direction, and he has to sit down for a while every time he takes a hit. Kuros must be getting old.
* Thief - He starts out with a dagger, and is thus not likely to be used for much fighting. Eventually he gets a crowbar, which has slightly more range and gives him the additional ability to pry open windows and find hidden passages. His third weapon of choice is a giant key that is half as long as he is tall, and that can open any door. Or window. Or treasure chest. Sadly, the thief never gets the chance to plunge the key into any foul villain's heart.
* Magician - He has a nice staff that can do magic things. First, it has the ability to shoot fireballs, which is always fun. His third ability allows him to get into an edgy-looking position and levitate upward, provided that he doesn't get hit and can wait the approximate minute this process takes. But the best spell by far is his second, which allows him to flash repeatedly. This "force field" does NOTHING TO PREVENT ENEMIES FROM HURTING HIM! Meanwhile, he HAS NO ATTACK! So why should he use this spell? So he can walk through otherwise impassable waterfalls. THERE ARE ONLY TWO SUCH WATERFALLS IN THE GAME! This spell is quickly reaching the uselessness level of the Cloak of Invisibility from the first game, despite being required to win.
You may have noticed that I mentioned getting multiple abilities. To become a character and get these abilities, you need to join guilds and advance in level by obtaining guild statues made of the olympic metals, bringing them to the guild, traveling through difficult obstacle courses with nice music, and finally by beating up the statues themselves. The process involves far more controller throwing than it sounds like, especially once you get to the third magician's test and have to jump up moving platforms that are only as wide as your character while dodging falling fish. (At least falling to your death only takes off part of your lifebar. I was getting tired of reviewing games with instant game overs, anyway).
There's actually a character parade in this game if you wait long enough during the opening credits. Frankly, it isn't worth it. The game takes three minutes and twenty-five seconds to introduce twelve characters using a grand total of three animated sprites. And, to make it worse, some characters were left out anyway!
This may be a theme throughout the game. Anything not directly related to gameplay is long and repetitive. The PAUSE SOUND is more than fifteen seconds long, for crying out loud!
Most of the non-villainous characters are the guild masters I mentioned. There are a few others, though.
Innkeeps: Other than being biased against people who violate the class system of Piedup, these guys are pretty nice. Much like earlier games, they sell you food and drink that can restore your health, as well as keys. Since you can't find keys in this game and EVERY DOOR YOU FIND HAS TO BE UNLOCKED, this is important. They also sell gossip, which can be handy. You pay them some of your hard earned treasure and learn such vital information as:
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Wise Men: These guys are slightly well hidden, and their only purpose is to take rare artifacts off your hands and give you advice which is a bit more relevant than that of the innkeeps. It's a handy service because you can only hold four items at a time, and you will eventually need to collect four gems, and you need to visit these guys to get rid of those space-wasting artifacts. |
 | Princesses: There are three of them, and they are sisters. Identical triplets, probably. They are being kept in dungeons throughout the land, and each of them has one of the gems you need. Sounds like a simple rescue mission, right? |
One problem. These women are obsessive. In order to get a gem from a damsel, you have to promise to marry her. Therefore, to beat the game, you are required to promise to marry all three damsels. If you worry about the impact of this flagrant polygamy, don't. The game's ending will get you out of this hot water you got yourself into.
Malkil's evil influence affects Piedup in strange ways. Not only do the majority of enemies ignore you based on the class system, but the magical corruption also causes them to jump like idiots. Here's a quick rundown.
No, this is not a spoiler. This creature appears in the manual. Besides, if you've seen any Megaman 2 advertising, you've seen it already.
Townsfolk - These vary from soldiers to midget Irish stereotypes to women that smack you around with their purses. The majority of them have a strange habit of holding their arm out when they leap, but I'll let it slide this time. There are Chinese people in many fighting games who do the same thing. 
Bouncer - This not-quite-Viking guards the entrance to the caves, but he'll only let thieves through for some reason. If you aren't a thief, he'll attack by jumping on you with his arms in a chicken-wing position. 
Demon - He can be found guarding some thief statues in town. I have no idea why the townsfolk are unwilling to let knights walk through town, yet completely ignore the giant demon who lives next door. Anyway, after declaring Kuros "weedy", he attacks by spitting fire on the ground and then jumping at you with his arms bent backwards and his legs tucked up behind himself. He'll break his kneecaps that way. 
Knight - He guards knight statues, appropriately enough, and he's fairly polite in his duty. If only his axe wasn't so heavy, he could have had an attack that isn't jumping into the air and stumbling forward with his axe beneath him. 
Worm - Extremely long guard of magician statues. The good news is that he doesn't jump. The bad news is that he's another incarnation of Boss Design #32 - the Whack-A-Mole Snake. You know, the one that comes out of random holes and slithers around the screen before going into another hole. Like all the ones before him, his head is the weak spot. 
Birds - Yup, this is an NES game. Despite how nicely the castlefolk treat you when you're a knight, the birds will immediately fly toward you and beat you up. I always wondered why, since Ironsword convinced me that the king of the birds was my friend. 
Dungeon Master - I've played D&D before, and I can assure you that however unsociable the DM may have been, he has yet to be a giant three-headed winged dragon. Maybe I played in the wrong crowds. Anyway, it has got a gem and the only way to find and beat it is to use all three of your characters' best abilities. And not fall down.
Malkil - Once you've unlocked a rather large and obvious secret passage, you can head to the big boss showdown. But first you first have to make the most boring uphill climb in any game I've played. Seeing Malkil is a relief.
And, before the fight starts, he gives you a chance to rule beside him. But since this is an evil NES game, joining his side means that he shoots you in the back with some fireballs as you stupidly turn your back and walk past him to the corner of the room. Don't do this. The bad ending is identical to the ending you get when you run out of lives. Did I mention that this game has no password feature, forcing you to PLAY THROUGH THE WHOLE GAME AGAIN? Damn. I thought I had escaped instant game overs for good.
And here we see where everyone's bad jumping posture comes from. Malkil keeps his arms straight out as he floats around the room and throws fireballs, and eventually he attacks by flying around like an airplane. Still, with enough luck and tenacity, you can defeat him, turn him into some weird glowing hole in space, and watch an ending sequence that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the game. (Yes, it's long and repetitive). And grow increasingly weary of the boss music, which JUST WON'T END! And enter your high score, which might have been worthwhile if your score wasn't actually the money you've been buying food and keys with!
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Project: Compile a list of the years displayed in this game's ending. Briefly discuss their significance in British history.
* The first time I played this game, it was a rental from a local video store. In the three day allotment, I managed to get from the beginning of the game to the first magician's guild more than four times. But I could never get any further until a month later when Nintendo Power (August 1992, Issue 39, Mario Paint cover) explained how to properly shoot a beehive with the magician's staff. You know, jump up on the edge of a slope you can't walk on and then hold the fire button. Basic magician stuff.
* This trend continued when I finally broke down and bought the game. Some of the jumps seemed impossible, some of the obstacles seemed unsurpassable, and so on. Eventually I was reduced to writing Nintendo Power myself to beg them to tell me where the wise man hung out in the castle area.
* It wasn't until this past year that I learned how to lower my character's class to one that's more useful for your needs by pressing left. This is vital when you find artifacts in the caves.
* It wasn't until TODAY that I learned that those oddly colored rocks in the caves are hidden passages between various cave levels, and that the thief can use them once he's gotten the crowbar. Of course, if you're walking around the caves as a thief, you deserve to be hit by several kinds of enemies.
Why do I miss these things? You could say it's because the game has many layers of depth that can be explored. You could also say it's because the game makes no sense and Acclaim did a really lousy job of documenting it. (Or you could say that I suck. That works, too).
Everything about this game can be judged similarly. It's an okay adventure/platformer, but not great. It's still better than the first one, and that alone might make it worth your time.
