..Pinball Quest.. 1990/Jaleco Review by Polas - 9/16/01

This is one of those games that hits you with an uninspired title, fairly dull gameplay, and then smack out of nowhere changes your life forever. Unless you happen to have a life, then it probably won't. Despite the aforementioned crappy title and the simplistic 3 pinball variations I played through on my first time, I soon found that Jaleco had attempted the impossible: the first (and only) Pinball RPG!!

As stated, at first glance, you only see the three insanely absurd-titled pinball variations; they're OK, but get somewhat boring after 3 minutes or so:

Despite the perplexing titles, these are your basic 2 screen pinballers with crappy graphics and a few extras per game, like little slot machines, quasi-bowling, and gopher whacking. But then, you see that little round selectable option...

Here it is, the one and only Pinball RPG, the coup de grace if you will. Unlike similar reviews in which I'd outline the items, characters, etc, this time around I'll be doing an actual step-by-step walkthrough so you just see just how nutty this game is. And of course, please keep in mind Polas comes up with all boss names here. It's definitely screwy, but not Polas-screwy.

The Story: Hoo boy. The story, as best as I can undertand it, goes like this: One day long ago, there was a magical kingdom ruled by a Princess and an old pinball. Then, some evil orange hooded things took the Princess away. It's your job, as a different pinball, to save her. If you don't believe me, ask the ghost with the horrible lines. After you hit his grave with the pinball and slam into him, of course.

LEVEL 1: Good news: Unlimited lives. Bad news: Ghosty, who we've learned used to be a soldier in the Royal Army but bit the dust and now roams the earth solely to annoy you, will bother you every time you lose. Anyway, after that unpleasantness, you break some graves and move up to the next level. Oh yeah, that's one feature I like about this game: movable flippers. You press "up" and "down" to move the flippers between levels. Even I, Polas, must sit in awe. Except when I, Polas, forget to move the flippers and start spewing obscenities.

Now you use the pinball to whack around some evil skeletons, which gets you GP. Although I am not the biggest fan of RPG's by any means, that's hip, universal slang for "gold pieces". Yep, I got RPG street cred, yo. It also builds your "AT", or attack power. I guess A&P owns that abbreviation or something, and you know how supermarket chains can be. AP also doubles as energy, so keep that in mind for later. After killing some enemies, EVIL FIRST BOSS MAN appears. Trim his HP (shown by that little monster icon near your attack power) by slamming into him, and avoid his detachable head. After he bites it, hit the key that appears and head through the door.

LEVEL 2: Well, not quite yet, because first we'll be stopping in THE SHOP. That's right, you can buy upgradable flippers and stoppers. Oh, but don't pick "steal", because even though you don't actually steal anything, a bunch of little eyes will flash at you, and your round little ass will be kicked out. Eep. The stoppers kinda suck, and the flippers aren't that important till later, so we'll press forward.

Next up is the WITCH OF QUESTIONABLE GENDER. Its powers include shooting bubbles at you and releasing evil minions. It can also turn transparent at certain times. As long as you keep the ball at the top level, not too painful. Let's move on.

LEVEL 3: Here's where things begin to get bothersome. After another trip to the shop (keep saving), you arrive in a drab green land of wacky goblins. By the way, your attack power should be close to maxed by now. It's pretty sad how fucking unbalanced this game is, but then I never attempted making a pinball RPG, so eh. You do lose half of it when you lose a ball, but it's easy to get back once you're this far. In this level, your first objective is to get into that little mine cart thing, which is easier said than done, especially with those damn goblins tossing your ball around if you hit them.

If you eventually get to the top portion of the screen, you find a slew of tiny little stationary goblins and one big one. Knock around the tiny ones for a bit, and you'll incur the wrath of GREAT KING ASSGOBLIN. He kinda bumbles about while you kick his ass, but if you hit him head on, he'll make your ball red (don't even think about it) and chuck it back down to the lower level, where you'll have to get back on the damn minecart. He's not too tough either if you can avoid that.

LEVEL 4: Fairly similar to the last one. This time however, there are gummi turtles, but all they do is make the screen shake a little when you hit them. Plus you can take them out with a few hits, which is always nice, especially since there's one little pain in the assgoblin that blocks your way to the rotary dial. Make your way into that, and you'll either be annoyingly shot back to square one, or you'll head for the boat, which has sadly replaced the lovable mine cart. Do NOT land on the little G.I. Joe type symbol. or it'll submerge and take you back to daddy. Once on the top screen, you'll fight the loyal KNIGHTS OF GENERICA, who each take multiple hits. The last one can hack away at your flippers, which takes away Attack Power, so take him out quick. Yep, that was the boss. Peh.

LEVEL 5: We make up for it now: this level screams controller tossing. Not only is it way difficult compared to the last few, but the music really grates on you, especially the galloping. Yes, galloping. There's actually a potion in this level that refills AT, that should tell you something. Once you navigate the flipper/peg maze, it's minion-smashin' time. Rescue that Princess! But ... but wait! You mean ... that's NOT the Princess?!

Seriously though, they've been using the decoy Princess trick since Super Mario Bros., shame if you didn't see that one coming. Once she turns into WINGY THE DEMON, she'll fly around crazily till you smack her with the ball. At that point, she'll revert back to Princess form and walk toward your flippers. Don't let her make it, or she'll turn them red (rash, maybe?) and take away half your AT. By the way, lose all your AT, and you're starting the level over. Probably should have mentioned that. Try to keep your AT high, not only to stay alive, but so the battle doesn't take forever. There's a trick to hitting her at the exact right time that actually refills your AT, so, um, do that. Once you kick her ass, hit the throne a few times to reveal a hidden passage! Yes, ooo's and ahh's all around.

LEVEL 6: Before we get to the next level, you should have enough GP (50,000) at this point to buy the ultra swank DEVIL FLIPPERS. Do so, and buy some stoppers if you have cash left over, because it's time to meet your maker ... or in this case, the last boss.

He reminds me of Dorago from Rygar. Ahem. Anyway, this guy is incredibly tough, unless you had the good sense to buy the Devil Flippers, which inflict massive damage and take some as well. DORAGO'S BITTER COUSIN shoots lots of head-type things at you, alters wind currents, and has an infrequent attack that takes you out in one hit. Plus, he's tough to hit with those walls there. As long as you keep at it with the Devil Flippers, he's nothing. Then, watch the completely nonsensical ending in which a giant magnet explodes, the Princess pets you in front of your buddies, and you go back to the options screen 30 seconds later.

OK, so this isn't exactly a true-to-life, exciting in any way game as far as pure pinball goes. And maybe this isn't really much of an RPG. But I hate the majority of RPG's. Turn-based, random battles are simply not the way video games were meant to be played. But take that out, and throw in a pinball, some flippers, a boat, and all kinds of great random nonsense, and then you're getting somewhere. Let's just say that Jaleco put forth a completely one-of-a-kind game with this baby. Now, for sanity's sake, let us hope it is never attempted again.

Return to the main page