It's a big, scary (amusement park-contained) world out there, and Kid Niki will need all the help he can get against the forces of evil - and if you don't believe me, even after the first game, you will; oh, you will. But for now, from left to right, let's take a look at the mind-numbingly stupid items Kid Niki can utilize:

SPARKLY BUTTCHEEKS: The Sparkly Buttcheeks are found all over Kara-ra-ra-rakuri Land, and if Niki whacks them with his sword, they turn into items that may actually prove useful. Better than reaching in and grabbing the items with your hand, I guess.

COIN: Lousy coins. As far as I can tell, all they give you is points. I never really understood why they put points into games that already had a point, and .... yeah. Moving on.

PUSS BOX: I was extremely pissed the first time I snagged this, because it transports you out of the level and back to the map screen, no questions asked. This is fine if you suck and are running low on energy, but for those of us with ra- ...awesome ninja skills, it's a real kick in the ass.

PRINCESS HEAD: Refills a circle in your life bar. Yes, you get one this time.

NIKI HEAD: YOUR 1-Up icon.

POTION DE PINK: For every one of these you collect, you get one opportunity to ... well, we'll save that for later too. You'll wait. And besides, it's time for the section you've all been waiting for:

Once again, Kid Niki is going to take on some of the most comically fucked up enemies in all of video gamedom. Some familiar faces, some new ones, and a guy smoking a giant pipe with a stove on his head. Does it get any better? Of course not.

ELF ON STILTS: In Miniature World, you'll be attacked by evil elves, elves in planes, and so on, but my favorite has to be the Elf on Stilts. Look at him, all proud of himself high in the air, chucking fireballs at you in his green pajamas. Admittedly, he's not the most entertaining or imposing foe, so we'll move on.

FRIES GONE WRONG: Yes, that is a walking box of french fries waving one big, soggy fry in your general direction. I'm not sure why the "W" is there, my guess is to avoid legal problems with McDonalds, because as you'll see, this game is clearly a cleverly disguised revolt against Westernization. But that's neither here nor there; the most important is that there's a walking box of evil french fries in the game.

BITESIZE BITING BURGER: "Ow ... this burger took a bite out of me!" Not since Panic Restaurant have we seen an evil hamburger, but I guess when you have evil french fries in a game, they go hand in hand. However, these things are really stupid, and just kinda hop around after you, instead of trying to whack you with a pickle or something, which makes them quite inferior to the dastardly fries.

NINJA MIMES: I'm not really sure what to call them this time. Some of them look like mimes, some more like ninjas, but one thing's for sure: they all have flattops. There's no correlation between color and abilities this time, and regrettably, none are equipped with pointy slinkies, but they can still attack in a variety of ways, and I know you love them anyway.

PILLOWNINJA V.2.0: The Pillowninjas are back, although they now look more like shoddy construction paper ninjas, but who am I to complain. They still throw spiky crap at you, and that's all that counts.

BEACH BALL BABE: Yes, I know what it looks like, but wait until I get to this one boss later. Anyway, she kneels there and blows (I said I KNOW) into a beach ball, automatically inflating it, then sends it after you. She can keep doing this over and over and over ... you're lonely, aren't you? And yes, your tough little ninja buddy can be injured by an air-propelled beach ball. Deal with it.

THE ONE-EYED LAMP: I was also considering "One-eyed Beach Umbrella", but it didn't really fit the mood, plus "lamp" is easier to type. The One-eyed Lamp hops along and tries to impale you with its pointy tip, but does not provide light or block harmful UV rays.

GIRAFFO THE MAGNIFICENT: Considering you can't kill it, this is really more of an obstacle than an enemy, but it doesn't mean a thing in the long run. The point is, there's this weird little guy/girl with scraggily hair that can extend its neck in the air to twice the height of its body. And if there's a point to THAT, well, it's damn sure lost on me.

CRAZY GOTH DUDE: At least we know it's not just a current thing. He'll try to take out his angst on you by spitting stuff in your direction, but just give him a swift whack in the teeth Yablonski style and you should be all set.

EGGBERT: In the world of Kid Niki, baby chickens are born with the ability to shoot ninja stars at you. Also, they know how to retreat back into their eggs and become invincible, which is even more of a pain in the ass, because you usually have to fight them on narrow platforms above bottomless pits. So it goes.

POPEYE THE SPACEMAN: I'm sorry, but that most definitely looks like a chubby little version of everyone's favorite horny cartoon sailor in a spacesuit. He has a spinning sword thing similar to Kid Niki that he can chuck at you, and just generally looks pretty funny, which is of course why he was included. However, he still can't compare to...

GUY SMOKING A GIANT PIPE WITH A STOVE ON HIS HEAD: .................. Told you......................

As you can see, Kid Niki once again can spin a stick at his foes, which I'll concede to calling a sword from this point on, since they at least tried to make it look pointy this time. In addition, just like certain other sequels to games covered on this site, Niki has learned an upward and downward thrust. Not as consequential, but still good to know, is that Niki can now duck, as well as look incredibly deformed when he gets killed. This covers basic abilities, but it certainly doesn't end there.

There's your status bar on top, and subscreen (press Start) below. The status bar shows your useless score, how much life you have left, extra lives, and pink potions. All right, time to let you know what those do. See those options in the subscreen? Prepare to be amazed.

That's right, you can turn into a damned pink elephant in this game. I know my pictures are out of order, fudge it. That timer on the far right of the status bar gets set to ten seconds whenever you use up one potion by choosing an ability, when it runs out, ability's gone. The Bolt (far left) serves as a force field, while the Sword (far right) gives you a projectile. Now for the fun, if not useless, part. The Frog lets you jump extra high, and the Hawk promptly renders the frog useless by allowing you to fly. Finally, the Pink Elephant can be used to charge and subsequently mow down enemies. And if you press A (shown above), he sort of looks at you apologetically for having such a crappy power.

That about covers it. You know what the scary part is? We've only scratched the surface.

STAGES

Pictured above are all the wacktacular levels you'll be visiting in Kid Niki 2. The first three you can tackle in any order for some reason, but otherwise, my yellow arrow is accurate. I myself would just cut through the holes in the fences separating the entrance, Miniature World and Happy Land, but that would make sense, and we can't have that.

Well, it's that time again. Brace your sorry ass.

Strange Land is a whimsical romp through a land of Christmas trees and copyright infringements. Between the evil McDonalds fries and Hershey platforms, it gets a little obvious. Just as soon as you're about to experience oversaturation after constantly jumping across berries and cakes while fighting delicious food and ninja mimes, you enter a bakery, which I guess would be an evil bakery, so as to explain the evil food. Fair enough. There's some fire to avoid while passing through conveyor belts, until you eventually reach the twisted heart of the operation, CHUFFY THE DISGRUNTLED ENGINE.

It's here where you first discover you're not allowed to use special abilities against bosses, so instead of bringing up the subscreen when you pause, you just turn pink. To beat Chuffy, just dodge the fire and evil birds he shoots 6 inches in front of his face, and whack him in the hood ornament.

Next is Miniature World, a world governed by a society of elves in green pajamas that pay tribute to the the big volcano god with the stupid face that spits rocks at you. The level soon splits in two; if you take the top route, the flying elves and elves on stilts are easier to kill. But, you miss out on a big crop of sparkly buttcheeks. After tromping through the hordes of elves, you come upon a boss that has absolutely no relevance to the rest of the level, THE TROJAN BOSS.

My guess is that there are about a dozen little elves inside the thing making it run, which is where I got the name from, but I can't prove it. Oh, that reminds me, one aspect in which Kid Niki 2 pales in comparison to its predecessor is boss names: they're not included here. Therefore, you're stuck with the Polas versions (mostly). To beat this boss, spin your sword at it as many times in a row as you can before it shoots fireballs at you. That's it. I hereby apologize for the boss suckiness as of this point, and assure you that things are about to get better.

It's time to saddle up and hop aboard the scrolling Forest Railroad, where the passengers include hordes of jumpy ninja mimes and Pillowninjas. Also, this is the only level that I know of that has a secret room like those of the original Kid Niki. You just climb as high as you can on the tallest car and walk to the right. Of course, if you can't turn into the hawk, then you're screwed. In this level, the ninja mimes re-learn how to stick to walls and throw crap at you, so look out for that. But wait ... who's running the train? Someone who looks a lot like the Mad Monk, if you ask me. That's right, it's his higher-paid brother that didn't go into the priesthood, the MAD RAILROAD TYCOON.

This guy can be tough, because he fires these little pink marbles at you non-stop in sets of three. Then you figure out he's a complete moron, and if you stand on top of the crates on the left in the path of the smoke, he loses sight of you. That's your cue to rush in and open up a can of sword up your ass.

There isn't much of note in the Ghost Forest as far as enviornment, although it is home to some of the better enemies, such as Crazy Goth Dude and Giraffo the Magnificent, just to name a few. And, it's spoooooky enough to fill up some space until I get to the boss, who isn't all the great either, but at least he's big, and I based his name on a Ted Nugent song.

WANGLY TANGLY is a giant ghost tree, cursed with the burden of having six asses attached to its branches. From these asses come little frowny shits that you'll have to avoid while swinging your sword upwards into his big old eyeballs. And with that, The Underground awaits.

While it may appear that this level is boring and dull, well, maybe, BUT - it has gravity defying rocks. See? Look! The rocks just HOP over the pits with the sole intent of crushing your ass. And if that doesn't get your rocks off, pun intended, the evil bubbles from the last game are back. I would have taken a shot of them, but decided to go with the ninja star jellyfish thing at the last minute. In this game, the bubbles emerge from those water streams, and come at you directly this time, but the good news is that a good sword whap will now send them packing. You'll soon encounter a recurring boss theme that'll last for the next couple of levels, starting with SQUIDGE, the big pink jellyfish thing.

Squidge is one of the more mobile and resourceful bosses, so luckily, it doesn't take that many hits to kill him. His attacks include rolling this little wheel at you, swooping around the room, and your favorite and mine, trying to lick you down. As long as you can avoid his tentacle tongue of doom, you shouldn't have trouble escaping the Underground.

I'm sorry, but who the hell thought up "Cliff Mountain"? That's as bad as naming a level "Rock Cave", "Tree Forest" or "Burny Hot Fire Lava Land". Actually, that last one is pretty good. In any case, this is YOUR token "jump across stuff without falling level", filled to the brink with evil baby chickens and Space Popeyes. Things get pretty wild toward the end, as you jump between not only blocks, but swinging spring platforms, all without rest, so you therefore must be fairly quick on the draw, or in this case, the jump button. Soon, the "we're lazy so the level boss will be a bigger version of a stage enemy" trend will press on, as you'll do battle with BIG BABY EGGBERT.

BBE starts off trapped in his egg, just like his smaller compadres, but has forsaken ninja stars for the more boss-like fireballs. However, push him hard enough with some frantic sword blasting, and he'll shed the eggshells of oppresion and come after you. Without the ability to morph into a pink frog, things can get pretty sticky, so you may want to sacrifice a hit for a few extra sword shots. We're getting down to the nitty gritty here, folks.

Just when you thought they couldn't top "Cliff Mountain", they get all imaginative on you and pull out "Maze". And oddly enough, just as the name implies, the level is in fact very maze-like. Yes, amazing, but that's not the half of it. There are weird little red and black things that go around the maze edges trying to nail you, there are odd little porcupine ninjas, and yes, there are guys smoking giant pipes with stoves on their heads. After getting through areas that include the ugliest wallpaper ever and a dojo, you find the head ninja, and boy is this one a doozy.

I really don't even want to formulate a guess that explains what he's doing in that center shot. THE CLINICALLY INSANE NINJA MASTER is quite obviously hopped up on something good, clearly evidenced by his erratic behavior and yellow eyes. As such, he spins around a mazeish room tossing crap at you, so as long as you don't get stuck in a corner or stare directly at him, things should go your way. You may think that nothing can top that guy, but as usual, you're wrong - it's time to enter Happy Land.

It's now apparent what the bad guy plan is: open up an irresistible theme park to attract lots of people, only kidnap the bald Japanese men in bathrobes and giant kittens, then drop them into a giant machine that turns them into Ninja Mimes. A plot worthy of Dr. Robotnik or perhaps the Underpants Gnomes, if you ask me. But who's behind this nefarious scheme? What horrors await you in Happy Land? The answers lie behind that door....

This is one of the rare instances I died immediately in a boss fight, because I quite honestly could not stop laughing. Death Breath's head has shrunk from a swollen penis to a swollen tomato, but the haircut, outfit style, and breath of death are all back. Death Breath can no longer send your sword flying, so feel free to whup up on him all you want - if you can. Death Breath has changed his strategy a bit from the last game; this time, he stands at the right side of the room and bombards you with his bad breath, and if you get caught in it, he immediately charges at you with his patented headbutt. However, if you can hop over the breath clouds and kick some ass, you get to see his hilarious new "pain" facial. When Death Breath loses to Kid Niki for the second time, the next door opens, and you fight some generic sub-bosses:

First up is a girl whose head expands to Death Breath-like proportions the more you attack her, followed by a horde of angry statues that somewhat resemble Spike from the last game. If you kill one though, they all die, and both of these bosses are pretty pathetic. But don't get comfy - instead, prepare for another bite in the ass from Kid Niki nostalgia, as you look behind door number 2...

That's right, fresh off your defeat of the Mad Railroad Tycoon, the Mad Monk has returned from beyond the grave to call you a "FOOL!" once again. This time, he actually destroys the entire floor, forcing you to rely on a series of descending blocks, sort of a reverse Dragon from Mega Man 2 style. Stay as close to the top of the screen as possible, or you'll look quite the fool. Snicker. Luckily, the Mad Monk's vocabulary hasn't improved any, so he doesn't have any other attacks. Once you can get on a block close enough, he's a goner. Don't get too comfortable on your high horse, though...

The grand poobah of Kid Niki returns in decolorized cyborg form to make your life a living hell. He shoots out two sparks that travel along that white track, the spits a huge poop-like fireball at youif you run under him. This in my opinion is the hardest battle in the game, so you damn well better have perfected the upward thrust. This time, Stone Wizard answers to a greater power, a power that controls the evil of all video games, the omnipotent LAST BOSS.

The Last Boss has the crappy fireball that all bosses have, but also employs the power of OPTICAL ILLUSION. He has four Princesses circle him, with only ONE being the real one. Gee, this is a tough one. If you hit the pink one, you automatically die. Keep whacking the red ones into Last Boss, and he eats it as easily as any other boss. Then, watch as Kid Niki finally becomes a man, as he leads a giggling Princess out of KararaKuri Land, which vanishes and becomes a serene valley once again, as Niki can make sweet love to the Princess knowing that he's saved the land from evil capitalist American ideals. Hee-ya!

CONCLUSION

Well, this game was getting reviewed just based on the last level alone, let alone the huge gobs of other wacky crap it contains. All things considered, although just about as easy to beat as its predecessor, this is a pretty fun game to play. And looking over all the stuff I spent hours spitting onto this page, it's even more fun to read about. Now, THIS time I'm sure that there are no other Kid Niki games out there - and now, I'll sit and and pray that I'm wrong once again.

NEW! Added 5/10/02:

Er .... um ..... it happened again.

NEW! Added 11/19/05:

Retro Reader "macuser" Dustin Graham, for reasons and through methods that may never be ascertained, actually tracked down a physical copy of this wonderous game. He was kind enough to send me some scans of the manual, and I share them with you here, giving me an excuse not to do the Kid Niki games for Game Boy or the Arcade.

Now see, I can buy that he's still "Kid" Niki after taking a look at this.

If I had seen this when I first started this game ... well, it still wouldn't have helped.

The greatest lineup of bosses in the history of all video games.

I wasn't kidding about that last boss question mark tease in the NES manuals.

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