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1989/Capcom Review by Quid - 9/13/03 |
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1989/Capcom Review by Quid - 9/13/03 |
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Not all retro games have to suck. Case in point - Little Nemo: The Dream Master. It's a great game. Just about
anyone with an NES should have played this game at least once. It's that damn good. Nothing beats the wholesome story of a little boy talking
to homeless strangers and climbing into sleeping animals during his dreams. You read that right..
It's a platformer. A crazy, crazy platformer taking place in Little Nemo's dreams. He has some pretty fucked up dreams.
As Little Nemo you can jump and throw giant candy in addition to moving back and forth. The controls can be a little annoying with some of
the jumps but it's a rare occurance. It really shouldn't detract too much from the game. And the candy really is giant. It's about the size of Little
Nemo's head. Or maybe it's regular candy and Nemo is dreaming himself as being small. That'd explain the huge slugs. Yea, let's go with dreaming
himself small.
So those controls are pretty basic, right? Wrong. As I mentioned before, you can climb into sleeping enemies and
steal their bodies. Let me explain that for you,
See that happy little from fellow? Doesn't he look happy? Or perhaps that's his hungry look. Feed him three pieces of candy. And magically, he's asleep. Maybe the candy is made of that turkey stuff that makes people sleepy, maybe he just needed a nap after all the candy chewing. Whatever the reason, his body is ripe for the raping. So jump up and climb on in.
This body theft can be used on multiple animals found through out Nemo's dreams including bees, lizards, moles and even
gorillas. Though with the gorillas and lizards instead of invading their body you ride on their back. I guess Nemo is too big for the lizard and the
Gorilla too big for Nemo to see out of unless he pokes holes in the gorilla's nipples and I don't think too many gorillas would sleep through a
nipple piercing. Later in the game, most animals are re-used but as different animals. I guess to make the game seem more complex. Or maybe
the creators got humped by a dog when they were younger and wanted revenge. Who knows?
And that's all just the gameplay, I haven't even gotten to the story of hobos and blimp faeries. I'll start where the
game starts:
1905, New York.
Notice the date. I guess in 1905, it was perfectly normal for a blimp to float up to a little kid's window while the kid was asleep then a complete
stranger to get out and wake him up babbling about going to "slumberland". In Nemo's case, the complete stranger didn't quite convince him with
promises of fun. Seems the fact that the princess was a girl didn't fly with him. Not until the stranger brought out the gift of candy. Once there
was candy then he was all for it as long as he didn't have to "kiss a girl". Don't worry, Nemo. Where you're going, you might be kissing
something that isn't the least bit girly by the end of the night.
Into the dreams he goes. Are they really dreams or what he convinced himself that happened once the stranger got him
to 'slumberland'? Well let's ask the first person we see. Walk into the level and who's there? Flip the Homeless clown who surprisingly looks a
little like Happy the Nobody Cares Horn Clown. I guess Happy has a past in the entertainment industry. Happy also happens to have a
collection of underage porn. Coincidence? I think not.
That dirty, dirty clown. Now that I think about it. The stranger gives him candy. Which leads to his dream levels. Which leads to raping animals. What does that mean? Taking candy from strangers leads to raping. I was wrong. Little Nemo isn't a great game. It's a sick, perverted game. What was I thinking as a kid when I played this? Didn't I understand what was going on? Jesus Christ, I was a dumb little kid.
And it just goes on like this. Nemo riding on trains, flying through upside down houses, what the hell is this kid on?
Nemo eventually upgrades from the candy to a weapon. What is this weapon you ask? It's a large phallic stick that, when held between Nemo's
legs and shaken, starts to glow until it releases a large white orb. This large white orb is used to hit the bosses and kill them. This is wrong. Why is
this in a video game?
Who's the end boss? What is it? You should thank me for going through this. A giant penguin with a crown. The
problem? It shits out baby penguins and you beat them with Nemo's mega dick of death. Perverted penguin clubbing? *shakes head* Nintendo,
you make me sad. No, wait. Not sad, glad! Who can say they've never wanted to club a baby seal? I know I can't, and you can't in this game but
you get the next best thing with baby penguins. After shooting a few full sized globs of goo from your penis club the penguin has had all he can
swallow and dies. The next boss is pretty mediocre compared to King Penguin. I really got nothing,
Finally it's the Nightmare master. Or it might not be, I don't feel like checking. I don't know how anyone could
have possibly beaten this guy without a Game Genie. You get three hits. After that, you're dead. There is one position you can stand in and not get
hit by him, and I'm assuming that. I never found this spot, every time he came forward, I got hit. If I didn't have infinite hits, I'd have been
pissed off. And spitting hearts at me didn't help, at least that's what I rememeber. I'm not playing through it again to double check that he was
spitting hearts and not ..something else that's red. It's not that important, play it yourself if you care that much. Lazy bastard.
Then it ends with everyone celebrating. The princess kisses him even though he explicitly said no kissing. I'm sure I could
link that to more sexual innuendo if I tried. Which is really sad because they've soiled the good name of a classic comic, right? (Note: Little
Nemo was a comic before being a video game, in like the 1920's.) I decided to look into it to see what they've done to the series and was
horrified (or just trying to fill up space) at what I found. These pictures are all from google image searches of "little nemo".
