Level 1 begins, as you'd probably expect, as the "happy grass level". Smiley blocks, bright colors, legs kicking out of the ground; indeed, the purpose of this straightforward level is to get you used to the game. But as you can plainly see, something goes horribly wrong and pisses off the giant tree god (not shown), the blocks turn to blood-dripping skulls, eyeball things come out of the woodwork, and the music gets eerie and such. This type of stuff just didn't happen back then. And did you forget about something? Let's take a look at our first three bosses of the game:

Look at them. You'd expect the first one to start singing and calling you Seymour after a greeting like that. And yes, every single boss has an amusing comment for you before the battle. To beat the plant back into the Little Shop of Horrors, you have to knock the poison bubbles it shoots right back at it - told you that would come in handy. The second boss is just a masterpiece. A giant spider that's already dead, apologizes for not giving you a battle, then disappears and leaves you a question mark. Please, give me an example of something better than that, I DARE you. Add in a nerdy spinning Pumpkin boss, and you have three of the greatest video game bosses ever assembled. In a level that changes into a bloody wasteland halfway through. Did I mention that we're still only on Round 1?

Next comes your token sewer level. In fact, most levels in Monster Party are "token" levels yanked out of countless other games in the name of parody, or as I suggested earlier, as a result of the greatest gaming drug binge in history. It's here where the doors start to get a little more out of the way, and reaching them only to find an "Empty!" starts to really piss you off; you just KNOW that Medusa thing is laughing at you tucked away under two levels of leaky purple pipes. However, in a rare Retro Cafe moment, I'm going to ask that you ignore the fact that one of this level's bosses is a giant Medusa snake that wants to mix it up. I'm even going as far to say that a talking Wishing Well that spits shiny dinner plates isn't that big a deal. Why? Take a look at the boss behind Door #2.

Attack of the fried foods. This battle never fails to make me laugh. Never mind that half that bosses in the game are flirts that call you "baby", there's a fucking bouncing onion ring as a boss in a video game. And a shrimp. And a shish kabob. All in the SAME ROOM. Luckily, ducking into caterpillar position ensures they won't hit you, because again, the sheer absurdity of it all is enough to at least drive you to distraction, let alone make your brain explode or give you the munchies. I mean, sure, there are other messed up games where this kind of boss might fit, but to throw it in between a snake and a wishing well down in the sewer, well that takes ... something. Something more people need to have. Damned if I know what it is, but my statement stands.

Yep, it's time for the spooky cavern level, complete with a variety of ghostly enemies, falling ceiling spikes, and umbrella bats. Also of note is that Monster Party is one of few games where the hero changes clothes after getting through a couple of levels. Not only that, but Bert will always accessorize himself to be the same color as Mark's current outfit. Purists might try to give you some jive about "the NES can only handle so many colors" this, and "it's so the sprite doesn't blend into the background, jackass" that, but to hell with that, I know I'd need a change of clothes too after a giant green bull man with a scythe came after me.

Now, "Mooove it!" would probably be enough for most people, but Green Bull Man does us one better by shooting little cows across the room at you. Do you even need to ask if they can be whacked back at him? Next comes the mummy, who actually makes some sense if you think about it, all these games that revive long-dead villains never stop to consider the ramifications of being out for 2,000 years or so. Of note is the spooky Egyptian music that replaces the standard boss music for the battle. And finally, the generic bloodsucking spider that fires weird little X's at you. Don't worry, there's something good about this otherwise dull boss, but that doesn't come until later.

I know, the sore mummy would be a much better fit in this level, but there's no logic or reason to be found in this game. Don't think this game is all funny word balloons and fluff, however, it's not the toughest of games by any means, but it's still a solid platformer at heart that's as challenging as most similar games you could pull out. The routes start getting harder in this level, and there are enemies that shoot at an angle, forcing you to become better with the bat. Not to mention the falling blocks, the jumping snakes, the- ...all right, fine, enough gloom and doom, let's get to the kitty and the punk rocker torso.

I personally think the gawky samurai deserves some attention as well, you don't see many game bosses that have come to grips with their shortcomings, and freely share them with you to make for an easy ass kicking. The kitten almost gets you to feel bad for thinking about smashing its head in with a bat, until it turns into the cat from hell and starts hucking demon felines at you. And finally ... seriously, I'm not sure how to describe this; the bouncing shrimp is one thing, but sticking the hopping upper half of a punk musician in the temple level? I don't think even I could come up with something like that. Just like the mummy fight, you get some specialized NES punk tunes for this battle. A damn upper half of a guy with a mohawk and shades shooting music notes at you; if you don't love this game yet, get out of my site.

For anyone who thinks my review of Friday the 13th would have been better served as a Halloween review than this game, I present to you the Crystal Lake level. Only this one has almost every manner of annoying fish enemy, and a big dopey water dragon to top it off. No Jason-like boss, unfortunately, and more bad news is that there are only two in this level. But on the bright side, the first boss is almost as cool as the dead spider from Round 1.

Screw the second boss, as he blatantly insults your intelligence, as opposed to the slowpoke samurai. Javelin Man does look pretty funny, though, sort of like a Japanese Godzilla monster of some sort. But he's no match for the Japanese Dancing Zombies, and that's what they're referred to as in the manual. They can do damage, but they won't attack you. They just dance. If you attack them, they'll decompose into the ground, then pop back up and begin their zombie dance anew. The only way to beat them is to listen to the talking drum and watch their stupid dance all the way through. If I wouldn't have told you that, I bet you'd be whacking the crap out of them for at least an hour before figuring that out. All in the beauty, my friend, all in the beauty.

Another level where we get hosed on the bosses, as this level is the evil maze round, which is far too complex to house 3 amazing Monster Party bosses, so you only get one. The boss door is right above the exit door, but there are two different routes needed to get to both, and lots of backtracking, in addition to all the random door-opening you'll be doing. If that weren't enough, possessed furniture highlights an enemy lineup that also contains a barrage of blue meteors and the aforementioned Evil Pants. Even in a game as funtacular as this one, tedious maze levels piss me off. Thankfully, we go back to the three boss formula after this one.

Chameleon Boss starts out pretty impressive looking, but he's nothing once you know what you're doing, and you learn to find his 4 heads without my convenient blue circles. The bad is that only one of them takes damage, the good is that only one deals it out. Once you find the bloody lettuce in question, it's all over.

Well, we've arrived at the vertical castle of doom level, which means we're getting close to the end. The bosses don't disappoint though, believeth you me. If you're lucky enough to snag a gelcap, this level is way easier as Bert, as you can just fly all the way up, stopping at doors. Mark has to slowly climb his way up the blocks, contending with all the similarly colored plodding enemies, ghosts, and Drunken Demons zigzagging around. Somewhere, a certain slowpoke samurai is crying tears of vindication. The confined spaces and tough enemies probably make this the toughest level (as opposed to "most annoying", thank you Round 6), and to make matters worse, there's a trick boss and a sleepy caterpillar named Royce.

Don't worry, I'll get to Royce and Death, but the rematch with the (living) spider makes for the funniest comment in the game, at least in the grand Polas opinion. HOWEVER, you get the key after beating the first two bosses only - if you find and beat Spider II, you actually lose the key. Go figure. Then there's the Grim Reaper, evidently bored of trying to scare Paperboy crashing into a fire hydrant. You'd think that the embodiment of death would have a more impressive attack than standing still while flinging koosh balls at you, but you'd probably also think that he'd speak in complete sentences. Drop the "h" bomb in an NES game, collect a paycheck, I guess. Royce would be your ordinary giant rolling insect monster, except he becomes one of the only bosses in known history to actually have furnishings in the usual barren boss room. Kraid or Air Man would probably kill for swivel chair or a radio, let alone a king-size bed.

One other thing about the manual is that it refers to every level as "Dark World" something, like Dark World Cave for the third level, and Dark World Haunted House for 6 (and really, what's a Dark World without a Haunted House?). Welcome to the final level: Dark World Heaven's Castle, complete with evil churches floating in the sky. Another level that's easier to tackle as Bert, due to all the flying witches and dynamite toga things. There's another nasty key trick in this level somewhat similar to the one in the last level, but I'll let you find that one for yourself in case you decide you're ready to play such a grandiose game.

The first boss is pretty standard, reminds me of the dragon boss from Ghosts 'N Goblins. Then there's the kama sutra corpse and the rocket-powered giant King Tut head thing. Once you dispatch them all and exit Round 8, you'll be able to challenge the DARK WORLD MASTER:

At least we now know that the secret of omnipotence is to attach yourself to a room full of eyeballs. The ruler of the Dark World takes a bit more hits to kill than your standard boss, and he doesn't expose his weak spot very often, but after getting through a shrimp, a green bull, a punk rocker, and whatever the hell some of those other things were, you should have no problem.

Unlike most reviews, I'm not going to spoil the ending for this game - you're gonna have to play this baby through yourself. I will tell you, although you probably could have guessed, that it fits this game perfectly.

Conclusion? Egad, do I have to spell it out for you? Monster Party is one of the most awesome games ever, the ultimate parody of a typical platformer that's still fun to play all the way through. I just wish they could have made one exception: the typical super annoying NES password system with tons of characters that look almost alike. Regardless, anyone who remotely enjoys this site needs to play, and love, this game immediately, if you haven't already. Party on, baby.

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