 |
..Panic Restaurant..
1992/Taito
Review by Polas - 7/20/01
|
 |
THE STORY
All right, I'll level with you: there really isn't much story to this game, although the one that does exist is pretty screwy. Basically, an evil chef forcibly evicts you from your restaurant for unknown reasons by dropping fruit on your head. Does he want to put you out of business? Get you to play his demo tape? Or more likely, have access to the multitude of nutty traps and living food that reside within. Whatever the case, I have an even better story for you: the tale of how I came across this game in the first place.
When cruising around for games on classic consoles I've not yet played, as those who know me know, I usually go Japanese, as they seem to have kept 75% of all good NES games to themselves. Anyway, in looking, I usually go for the wackiest titles I can find. So of course, when "Naughty Kokkun's Gourmet World" caught my eye, there was no way I wasn't playing that game. As I progressed through the lesbian carrots and rolling pizzas of pure hostility while bouncing around on giant forks, I thought to myself "damn, no wonder this game was never released in the US..." and then it hit me. I've seen this before. I looked up "Panic Restaurant", and sure enough, that was it, with a few important differences. Anyway, the Japanese title and game itself are so fucked up, I thought I'd review it ... oh, what? Like YOU could tell a better story? Jackass.
CHARACTERS
 | THE HERO: In the Japanese version, you play as, I'm assuming, Naughty Kokkun; the naughty young barefoot Japanese chef that unjustly had his restaurant/dungeon stolen from him. However, the bastards at Taito probably didn't think Naughty would go over so well in America, and changed the hero for Panic Restaurant. The end result? You'll be playing this game as CHEF BOYARDEE. I don't understand it either. Better not to ask. |  |
| KOKKUN GETTING CHASED BY A PIZZA: Well? How much description do you need? There's a fucking pizza after me. |  |
BOSSES
| PISSED OFF POPCORN - Bounces around a bit, moves across the floor, repeats. Typical first boss, except that if you smack him around too much, he inflates until he explodes, and a bunch of popcorn flies out at you. If you stand under the popcorn in a skillful attempt to catch it in your mouth and eat it, then you are a moron, and will lose energy. |  |
 | CREAM OF EVIL SOUP: I hope you're aware that I'm making these boss names up. This guy just kind of runs around sloshing back and forth, eventually shaking some flying crap at you. My strategy for this boss is generally the same as for all the others: whack the crap out of it before it gets to attack. That usually gets the job done. |
| SLEAZY BAKE OVEN: Same basic attack patterns as the other bosses, EXCEPT for the fact that evil turkeys come after you when he opens up. The solution? Stand behind it while the turkeys come out, and you guessed it, beat the crap out of it with your weapon of choice. However, when you defeat it, you'll have to live with the guilt of killing those poor turkeys. Don't believe me? Take a look. |  |
| BADASS BOB THE BURGER: Although no boss in this game is particularly difficult, old Bob may be the toughest. Not only can he move side to side like the rest of the bosses, he can split up into sections in different directions. And those eyes are pretty unsettling too. Exercise caution. |  |
 | MISS BLOW CONE: The first thing I want to know is what kind of shitty ice cream flavors those are. As for the boss, her layers can harm you, and she also drills into the icy floor to melt it into water, which from what I can tell, does absolutely nothing. And finally..... |
| OHDOVE: Sadly, I didn't make that name up. In the Jap version, you can call him "Hors d'oeuv". I also wish I was making that up. For some reason, you get equipped with eggs (not seen in the rest of the game) when you face him in a battle of the flyin' fryin' pans. If that last sentence doesn't seem screwed up to you, then I don't know what to tell you. Chuck eggs at his stupid little balloon to send him down. | .. |
ITEMS
 | YOUR DAMN HEAD: In Kokkun only. You start off with a flimsy headbutt, which can be fixed when you find a weapon that's actually semi-useful. When you get hit, it's back to whacking enemies with your stupid hat. A Chef's hat is also an extra life, which confused the hell out of me at first. |
 | WHACKIN' SPOON: Your standard clubbish-type weapon, used to smack around enemies. Nothing special here, just straight up kitchen-style utensil brutality. Take those bouncing shish-kabobs to school. |
 | FRISBEE PLATES: Every game usually has at least one extremely crappy weapon, and this is it. You may as well kill yourself and try again if you pick these up, as there are maybe 3 points in the whole game where they'd come in remotely handy, and there's usually little chance of you getting to them, since the plates suck so much in the first place. |
 | POGO FORK: That's right, you hop aboard a giant fork and bounce around like a retard until you get hit. While not the most practical weapon, nothing beats bouncing around like a dipshit until time runs out. Go ahead, give it a try; ether in the game, or in your very own kitchen. I'll be here when you get back. |
 | CLOBBER PAN: Here's where the game branches off: In Kokkun, if you get a pan, you start spinning in circles like you're on something while holding the pan in front of you. In other words, you're invincible. In Panic Restaurant, however, the pan is your default weapon, and you smash enemies with an ineffective WWF steel chair style. Obviously, the Japanese Clobber Pan (� Polas) is superior. |
 | WACKY PAN: Doesn't exist in Kokkun. The U.S. answer to invincibility. You do spin around uncontrollably when you acquire the Wacky Pan, but is that good enough for Chef Boyardee? No sir. See, he takes it a step further and puts the pan ON HIS HEAD. Amazingly, two eye holes were previously either cut into or painted on the pan. The ultimate weapon. |  |
GAMEPLAY
It's your basic walk, jump, and spoon-whack adventure; nothing more, nothing less. 6 levels of madcap food-themed action (and if you forget the theme, the menu will remind you at the beginning of each level. Yes, the levels are actually named "Appetizer" & "Fish") will keep you busy for as long as you can play until you get bored of jumping around on the Pogo Fork. But one thing I didn't mention: much like River City Ransom, this is one of those games where dispelled foes turn into coins - coins that can be used in the END-LEVEL SLOT MACHINE. I still haven't figured the damn thing out. All I know is that if I pull it enough times my energy is refilled. And that's not all: hidden in some levels is the "Catch The Fish" bonus level! So break out your fishing rod ... what, you thought I was serious? This is Naughty Kokkun's Panic Restaurant! You'll of course be using a white glove attached to an extension cord to catch the fish.
That's about it. Although I still fail to see why the living food in your own restaurant would attack you. Ah well, when all else fails, "hypno-ray". Catch up to Ohdove, kick his pan's ass, and take back your amazingly fucked up restaurant with a stupid name.
CONCLUSION
What have we learned here today? Well, if you own a 100 acre restaurant full of deadly traps and disloyal food, and a twitchy chef in green clothes drops fruit on you in a hostile takeover, you sure as hell better know how to operate a whackin' spoon. In any incarnation, Naughty Kokkun/Panic restaurant is one nutty-ass game. But there's only one version in which you can play as Chef Boyardee and spin around with a pan on your head...
...Sweet land of liberty ... :sniff: ... of thee I sing....
Return to the main page