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1989/Absolute Review by Polas - 8/2/02 Requested by: TheGambitY3k |
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1989/Absolute Review by Polas - 8/2/02 Requested by: TheGambitY3k |
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David Crane was arguably the most prolific game developer of the Atari age. Among his many accomplishments was Pitfall, which was fairly groundbreaking for the time, along with Ghostbusters and other bestsellers. But times change, and after the video game crash of 1984, Nintendo emerged at the top of the heap. Atari had gone the way of the dinosaur, at least until they further disgraced themselves with the Jaguar, but Mr. Crane was still determined to bring us his games. And he had something special in mind for the NES. A game so different that it would be his last, as Crane would vanish into the sunset, never to be heard from again, except for those sparsely populated classic gaming conventions. When it comes down to it, it was a game about a boy .... a Boy and his Blob.
Truthfully, this game really isn't bad at all, aside from the fact that it's so non-linear and difficult that only the Polaslike can finish it. It's just really, really weird. In essence, the premise is to feed your Blob jellybeans, which give him the ability to turn into strange objects, which help you traverse a suburban neighborhood that has two buildings and a gigantic evil underground cavern below it. There are few games that truly represent the screwy essence of this site, but this has to be one of them. I believe you'll soon see why.
Sometimes I may embelish a game's story to make it seem wackier or more entertaining. That's not at all necessary here - I can quote straight from the manual:
"Look! He likes them! Likes them? The boy's Blob loves them! Jellybeans, that is. In every flavor under the subway. Like Vanilla. Apple. Tangerine. Cinnamon. Cola. Coconut. And more.
Like many boys in the twenty-first century, the boy has a buddy from outer
space. This one's from Blobolonia - a place where an evil emperor makes every-
one eat only marshmallows and chocolate. In fact, for the emperor, healthy
things like vitamins are poisonous. Blob (his full name is Blobert) came to Earth looking for someone to help him defeat the evil emperor. That's how he met the boy. To defeat the evil emperor they boy and Blob will need a goodly supply of
vitamins. And to get the vitamins, they'll need money. To get money, they'll
search the underground caverns for hidden treasures and diamond stones.
So what's a boy to do? Just whistle! (That'll call Blob.) Then feed him jelly- beans. You see, the boy miraculously discovered that not only does Blob love jelly- beans - but that different jellybeans turn Blob into different shapes. And that those shapes can be used to get through many otherwise impossible situations! With his repertoire of shapes, Blob can help the boy overcome even the most outrageous obstacles - as long as Blob gets the right flavored bean. In fact, with enough jellybeans in enough flavors, anything is possible."
How convenient. So by this game's logic, at this point in history, we're all supposed to have little sweatsock-looking blobs follow us around, neither man nor blob have anything resembling a name, being forced to eat candy is a bad thing, the world's jellybean supply is underneath a subway .... need I continue?
Before we begin to accompany Boy and Blob on their journey, we need to be familiar with the focal point of the game, the jellybeans. As stated, each one gives Blob a new power, which are generally useless outside of 1 or 2 specific instances. But when all else fails, at least you can turn Blob into a coconut and toss him 6 screens away, then take a nap or something.
Even though there are a wide range of flavors you can feed to Blob, all of them appear green when you toss them. You know how in the future, all food is replaced by those little pills? I think this is along those lines. So without any further ado, let's see what mystical digestive powers these tasty treats have on your eerily-grinning Blob.
APPLE = JACK: Ahahahaha, smell the wit. Rather than go full on with the joke and turn Blob into an energy-giving bowl of cereal, you'll have to settle for the jack. I can't tell you how it works without leaving myself wide open to a "jacking off" crack, so I'll let you figure it out for yourself. Number of times it's useful in the game: Two. One of those times, you use it to beat the final boss. I'm not kidding.
CINNAMON = BLOWTORCH: See, they're both hot. You're starting to see how this works, if you could feed Blob a peanut instead of a jellybean, he'd turn into a stick of butter. 75% of development time for this game was devoted to coming up with clever powers for each flavor. They have yet to apologize. The torch does exactly what it looks like it does. Number of times it's useful in the game: One. I'm not exaggerating on these, by the way, there really is only one thing the stupid torch is good for, and that applies to several other flavors as well.
VANILLA = UMBRELLA: I don't get this one, maybe Crane predicted Vanilla Sky ten years in advance. Trust me, this game is far more odd. It doesn't look like much, but this is actually one of the game's more useful items. Not only does it protect Boy's frail little head from falling crap, it allows him to fall more than one screen without breaking both of his scrawny little pansy legs.
COLA = BUBBLE: I think we're starting to stretch on these flavors. I know the bubble looks like it might do something impressive, like allow you to bounce or repel enemies, but all it does it let Boy breathe underwater. And of course, the slightest touch from anything pops it. This then of course gets the "One" rating for being a stupid hard to move air bubble.
LICORICE = LADDER: Well, they both start with the same letter. The ladder is also pretty handy, allowing Boy to reach higher ledges and such. Sadly, it doesn't go very high, so in many cases you'll be forced to take your chances with the trampoline.
ORANGE = VITABLASTER: Number of times it's useful in the game: ZERO. You heard me. The big goose egg. The first time I got it, I assumed you'd use it on the final boss, but no, silly Polas, that'd make sense; you of course have to jack him off .... er, that will make sense a bit later, it's not as bad as it sounds. Once I bought the vitamins just like the gripping story tells you to, I could access them through the Vitablaster, but they didn't seem to do anything. Stupid Vitablaster.
LIME = KEY: Lime ... key .... open, unlock, green, key-wi ... damned if I can explain this one. The last boss is hidden behind the only locked door in the entire game. There are two Lime jellybeans in the entire game. I'll let you figure out this flavor's usefulness all by yourself.
NEW! Updated 8/11/02
Thought to have been killed after aiming a super lazer cannon the wrong way, Timmy returns to help clear up the "Lime" joke for me and my retro readers:
And there you have it. Really, I had no idea such a pie existed. And now, back to the fun.
TANGERINE = TRAMPOLINE: Three syallables, similar sounding words, good enough for me. The trampoline lets you jump higher and higher until you hit your head on something, so this can be anywhere from 1 screen to 6 or 7. And if you miss the trampoline on the way back down .... well, it's kind of funny, but you'll regret it later when the fat evil Emperor is cramming a Sugar Daddy down your throat.
HONEY = HUMMINGBIRD: Honey jellybeans, sounds delicious. This works in a similar fashion to the Ketchup jellybean, which is a story in itself, in that it allows Blob, who is fresh out of the Blobolonia Special Education Institute, to rejoin you if he gets lost, as he hops behind you with all the grace of a blind hippo. If you're several ledges above by way of trampoline, you can toss one of these all the way back down, and Blob will fly back to your side. And no, going back to Boy's house and locking the door isn't an alternative to getting Blob back. It doesn't work, and even if it did, the damn thing can turn into a key.
PUNCH = HOLE: This name obviously comes from that amusing Price is Right game where the fat audience member punches holes so Bob can pull out the paper that says "$50" on it. But hey, this is the best one in the entire game. Reason being, if not placed in the exact right spot, Boy will hilariously plummet many screens to his death. You'd think the stupid thing could warn you. If you're thinking that there are many places where a hole is needed to advance, and that even after extreme guesswork a slight miscalculation can totally screw you over, then you've been paying attention.
COCONUT = COCONUT: They're just not trying anymore. The Coconut is kind of like those stupid stress balls, except that instead of squeezing, you chuck Blob several screens away, into a lake, and laugh as he sinks to the bottom. Nothing rids you of the frustration of getting hopped on by a giant caterpillar better than that. As far as uses that were actually intended for the Coconut, sometimes if you roll it past several screens of enemies, then have him turn back into Blob and come back, the enemies vanish. I don't even know if that was intended, but I hope so, or else the Coconut is even more useless than the Vitablaster.
ROOT BEER = ROCKET: Root Beer, bottle, rocket, bottle rocket ... I've given up on trying to make sense of these. When you turn Blob into a Rocket, Boy climbs on and travels to faraway places, or if you're anywhere other than the one place in the game you can use the Rocket, right into a wall. Either is satisfying.
STRAWBERRY = BRIDGE: The best flavor of the bunch is relegated to being a tiny bridge. Shame, says I. This falls into the "moderately useful" category for small pits, but good luck bridging any significant gaps.
KETCHUP = "CATCH UP": Ahahahaha, and so on. Not even Apple Jack can touch this one. Blob refuses to eat the Ketchup jellybeans, not that I can blame him, but if you're like me and enjoy turning him into a Coconut then throwing him off a cliff, tossing a Ketchup jellybean on the floor will make him magically reappear next to you. This makes the Ketchup jellybean the most useful in the game, but you don't get very many, so if you waste them, you're stuck trying to aim a Honey jellybean from four screens overhead in order to get Blob to fly back. There's also an odd trick that allows you to use Ketchup jellybeans to turn Blob into a brick wall (hence the picture), but since it makes no sense and serves no purpose, we'll end this section before it drags on any further.
There will be no jumping in this game, as the A button tosses Blob the jellybean of your choice, chosen with Select button, which really sucks if you go too quick, pass the one you want, and have to cycle through all of them again. B button makes Boy whistle for Blob to move his ass, and it also gets him to change back into Blob form after a transformation. And of course, the D-pad moves Boy as Blob tags along, unless you press it any more than "slightly" and then let go, then Boy skids all the way to the next screen and Blob gets lost.
If you managed to get through the entire story, then you'd know that Boy and Blob have to collect a bunch of underground treasure in order to save up enough to buy some apparent six-figure vitamins. There are 22 treasures to be found in all, and you'd better believe you have to collect all of them. Some just give you points/money, while occassionally you'll get a bag full of newer and better jellybeans.
After realizing that the only thing above ground besides Boy's house and the Health Food store are a flight of stairs, you'll probably end up descending them. Good choice, as this takes you to the subway, where you can get familiar with some of Blob's powers in order to collect some easy treasure. That would be where the "easy" ends.
To progress, you have to find a way to the Caverns, where the bulk of the game takes place. So to do that, I'll answer the most asked question from people who play this game for the first time, and tell you that the hole goes to the left of the "Absolute Avenue" sign (see, they're the company that put out this game, but you probably trained yourself to catch clever stuff like that during the Jellybeans section). Anywhere else and you'll probably fall to your death, or on top of an evil caterpillar; same result.
The Caverns are much, much bigger than the two screens and witty captions you're about to get, but a lot of the terrain is pretty similar aside from instances in which certain jellybeans are needed, so showing you more would probably just bore the both of us. At least me, anyway. Plus, if you ever decide to play this game, you'll be able to suffer through it not knowing what to do before you e-mail me asking how to get 10 or 12 treasures that seem inaccessible. I aim to please.
After you find everything down below, you can jack up (ohh, baby) through a manhole back to the surface, and look at some of your newly acquired late-in-the-game jellybeans, such as lime, orange, and root beer. Toss Blob a root beer, and it's off to Blobolonia.
While The Caverns were the quintessential "puzzle" areas, Blobolonia is a few simple puzzles, and avoidance of a bunch of weird white/food-like enemies. It's also a grassy land full of giant cornfields, caves, and a malevolent candy factory, thanks for asking.
The Factory is the evil Emperor's last bastion against Blob and the nosey Earth kid he brought along, so while it may not be as tough to figure out as some areas of the game, you'd better believe you'll experience horrors not seen in any video game before or since. Like vicious teeth, vertical turd formations, death pots, switches, candy cane platforms, you get the picture. Brace yourself.
Remember, you were the one that wanted to come here, so when you have 3 weeks worth of nightmares, don't come whining back to me. Waiting at the end, behind the giant locked door that's way too big for Blob-key in front of the unhappy gingerbread men, lies THE EMPEROR. As you can see below, Emperor is one sloppy gray fat sonuvabitch with fat folds for eyes and a mouth, and considering he locked up Blob and stole your vitamins, this isn't going to be easy. Wait; yes it is, just jack off like I told you to do against him earlier. Stupid fatass Emperor.
After you spill the bottle of vitamins that he stole from you and brilliantly placed right above his head, I'm guessing that Emperor's mass creates some sort of gravitational flux that absorbs all the vitamins and, uh, healthies him to death. Where's the manual to clear these things up when you need it? Luckily, there's the ending ... right?
Whoa whoa whoa, those were the Emperor's vitamins? Is the fat bastard suicidal? Or just really stupid? And speaking of stupid, why did I have to collect every damn treasure in this stupid game in order to afford vitamins that were above Tubby's head all along? This game makes less sense every time I think about it. But one thing I do know from the ending, is that Boy and Blob are heroes, and have restored Blobolonia to its rightful ruler, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Hooray!
I urge everyone to play this game at least once. There's no other game quite like it on the face of the planet, except maybe the Game Boy version. You'll probably be able to figure out within the first five minutes whether or not this is something you actually want to try and get all the way through. I wish you the best of luck, and if all else fails, there's always the Coconut.