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1993/Sidewalk Studio Review by Polas - 1/21/07 |
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1993/Sidewalk Studio Review by Polas - 1/21/07 |
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Ever since video games began to emerge as a legitimate medium, people have been looking for new things to translate into them. As the years have passed, we've learned the hard way that there are some things that were just never meant to be digitized. For instance, game shows like Win, Lose or Draw, published by Hi Tech Expressions along with the forty or so versions of Wheel of Fortune they unloaded onto the NES. All right, maybe with the DS and the Wii out, but for an NES controller? Also, about 95% of all movies. Now, sports are a different story, as the Madden series has become a phenomenon, and generally games in major sports such as baseball and basketball do quite well. There are even some tennis and golf games that make these horrifically boring sports bearable, most notably Ninja Golf. The irony? Mini-Golf is fun in real life. It has never, ever been fun as a video game.
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Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. I suppose my point is that you can't really blame Philips on this one (yet), because there aren't many good mini-golf sims out there. So to actually come up with a decent one, you often have to go totally outlandish until you end up with something like Kirby's Dream Course. Well, they certainly went totally outlandish - but in a much more disturbing direction. For you see, this is not just The Wacky World of Miniature Golf.
This is The Wacky World of Miniature Golf....
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Welcome to the Terrordome.
Yes, that Eugene Levy; the dopey dad from American Pie, writer and supporting actor in most Christopher Guest films, cast member of the wonderful SCTV, and most recently getting his ghetto talk on in various terrible movies. But here, he takes on his greatest role: Rollo the goof golf ball. And with that, I already know that this review is going to feel much longer than it actually is.
Curses for not investing in that "CD-i mini-golf technology" stock 12 years ago. In any case, you heard Rollo the stupid golf ball. A colossal domed facility was built somewhere in the Carolinas for the sole purpose of housing the world's preeminent mini-golf experience, then crudely drawn into something closely resembling animation, probably by that evil robot in the movie, just so we could have this game. "Surely", you must be thinking, "with that kind of effort put into the presentation and explanation, hours upon hours of excruciating effort must have been put into the gameplay to match my now lofty expectations!" If you are, then surely, you haven't been coming here for very long. Here's Rollo to explain how to play, 75% less sarcastically than I'll explain it afterward:
Indeed, I've outed Rollo's terrible secret: for all of his bluster and teases of playing mini-golf against pissed off dinosaurs, all you do in this game is pick left, right or middle. That's worse than Panic!. You keep doing this over and over, until trial and error gets you to the scenario that involves your pink golf ball actually getting closer to the hole, rather than inside a shark's mouth, under a lawn mower, or fondled by robot arms of various shapes and sizes. But oh, that's not all - there's also a timing element. Not only do you pick a direction, but you have to watch the ongoing animations and time your shot at just the right spot ... also trial and error. It's not like there are giveaways, it basically comes down to "shoot while dog is jumping slightly right of the green" and "shoot while dog is on ground slightly left of the green". Let's look at a typical hole:
If that didn't give you the blues, let's see how this grabs you.
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Clearly, the hyper-deformed prisoners are swinging their colorful novelty mallets at differing intervals under penalty of death; standard prison procedure. Upon closer inspection, it appears that these convicts have been specially trained to smash your balls using a hammer with a high percentage of certainty. There's obviously a bad joke to be made there, but if I sink to Eugene Levy's level, I'm only encouraging him. To illustrate the direction and timing aspect of the game, which again is pretty much the only aspect of this game, I've drawn up one of my patented barely helpul, thoroughly unnecessary giant diagrams.
...Done loading, 56k'ers still out there? Lovely. So you see, two of the three directions will eventually get you smashed, it just might take longer to get there. The same is true for people who dedicate their time writing up obscure golf games starring B-celebrities. Shooting it straight down the middle may or may not get you smashed by Inmate #1 depending on the moment you shoot, but it will definiely send you into #2's yellow mallet of doom in the end. Same goes for shooting right, up to Inmate #3. Left is the only way to go here. And yes, Inmates #1 and #5 are twin brothers, and #2 is their black cousin. No reusing designs here, no sir.
Other holes will get trickier, and certain shots will get you to the middle of the hole where you'll have to deal with a whole new set of hazards, and you can bet that a smashed ball sends you right back to the beginning. But we managed to get to the end of this hole, so here's your reward.
That's pretty much it. You play through 9 holes of this stuff, with Rollo making bad jokes and insulting your ability to guess which way to aim a golf ball. This goes on until you undoubtedly reach the 9 stroke limit, at which point you can give up and go to the next hole, or futilely try some more shots to finish the hole. Then, to your horror, the scorecard is flipped to reveal that you have to go through 9 more. Top 5 scores go into the Hall of Fame, but Rollo will point and laugh at you anyway, minus the pointing, obviously. No ending or anything, as this is primarily a multiplayer game. That's right, you were supposed to find OTHER people who wanted to play this with you. But before I wrap things up, here are a few of my "favorite" holes from the game.
THE LOST HOLE OF ATLANTIS: Now you know why no one's bothered to look for it lately. There are two parts to this one, once you get past the octopus you have to deal with the anchor. Rollo help you if you hit the anchor wrong, because laying right next to it is ... well, you'll see. If only it were as easy to forget everything I've seen here as the giant hypnoclam would have me believe.
KING PUTT'S TOMB: Rollo sets up his joke the same way he does on about 3/4 of all the other holes, with the "ah, the (name of course), home of (serious thing 1), (serious thing 2), and (terrible joke), yuk yuk" line. It happens again here, but at least Levy groans when he has to deliver the "great pharaohs, like Mia Farrow" punchline. While it's set up the same way as all of the other holes, there's something about the moving pyramid holes that goes the extra mile to piss me off, in that they'll always move out of the way at the last second no mattter how correct the angle is when I shoot. Serves me right for trying to apply geometry. At least you get the All-Male Egyptian Dance Troupe and a sneezing mummy at the end.
1,000,000 YEARS BG (BEFORE GOLF): The most annoying noises you can imagine combined with a successful putt resulting in violently killing off the dinosaurs? It's a winning combination! Seriously, it sounds like a prehistoric version of the Budweiser Frogs, except the frogs are mutated, and ... yeah, just watch it. Bonus points for Eugene Levy pretty much giving up on trying to convincingly deliver Rollo's material.
THE AMERICAN DREAM HOLE: I'm sorry, but that has to be the name of a porno somewhere. It's mostly here because I like slamming the golf ball into the stupid dog while he runs by. Of course, you always run the risk of him chewing it and running off with it, or hitting him at the angle that sends it backward into the mower blades. You know what, fuck this hole. It's a damn good thing that the ball rolls through 3 identical backyards, a crowded street, into an abstract version of Barney's Bowl-O-Rama, down one the alleys, and into the pins, knocking them all down. Like I said, fuck this hole.
HOLE ON THE RANGE: Notable mainly because of the uncredited minor cameo of Robot John Wayne. Mecha-Hondo almost makes the "ball" jokes I abstained from earlier, and we also get a Wile E. Coyote homage. Ugh, that first part is worse than Caddyshack, yet there's no way to employ adorable explosives of any kind. Shocking, for this game.
THE PERILS OF POLLYANNA: More nerd humor. Many of the holes before this one come randomly, but this one always seems to be the 18th. Possibly because of its multiple traps, or the elaborate hokey setup.
Or perhaps to distract us from the fact that way back when there was already a James Bond hole ("You Only Putt Twice") and a Camelot hole ("The Hole-y Grail"), and this one pretty much combines the two. There are three traps and a generic bad guy standing between you and the skull hole, all of which have the ability to impale your ball, crush your ball, or blow it to Oz.
In the end, the day is saved through a series of lasers and giant putters, and Dr. Cretin (yes, that's his name) is 10-tonned into the battery acid ... or was he? Rollo tells us we'll have to tune in next time, and yeah, that'll happen.
All in all, this game is little more than another no-budget, slapped together simplistic point-and-click game that may have temporarily shamed the twelve families who spent hundreds of dollars to purchase a CD-I into spending time together. But the eye-wrenching animation, script that would make a Full House writer look like Chris Rock, and the only actual important one, the addition of Eugene Levy as a wisecracking golf ball to an already nonsensical premise, is why it found a home here. With that epic run-on sentence, I bid you adieu until I finally decide to cover one of the Zelda games. John Candy as Ganon? You'll just have to wait and see.
